The Management has implemented the following worksite rules, effective yesterday.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now prohibited. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. To help identify those personal days, each company calendar has been marked accordingly.
These days are identified as Saturday & Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere: We suggest the local Unemployment Office.
Understanding Your Paycheck:
Gross pay: .......$1,222.02
Income Tax: ........$244.40
Outgo Tax: ..........$45.21
State Tax: ..........$61.10
Interstate Tax: ......$5.89
County Tax: ..........$6.11
City Tax: ...........$12.22
Rural Tax: ...........$4.44
Back Tax: ............$1.11
Front Tax: ...........$1.16
Side Tax: ............$1.61
Up Tax: ..............$2.22
Down Tax: ............$1.11
Carpet Tacks: .........$.98
Stadium Tax: ..........$.69
Flat Tax: ............$8.32
Ma'am Tax: ...........$2.60
Parking Fee: .........$5.00
No Parking Fee: .....$10.00
Life Insurance: ......$5.85
Health Insurance: ...$16.23
Dental Insurance: ....$4.50
Mental Insurance: ....$4.33
Coffee Cups: ........$66.51
Floor Rental: .......$16.85
Chair Rental: .........$.32
Desk Rental: .........$4.32
Union Dues: ..........$5.85
Union Don'ts: ........$3.77
Cash Advances: ........$.69
Cash Retreats: .....$121.35
Eastern Time: ........$9.00
Central Time: ........$8.00
Mountain Time: .......$7.00
Pacific Time: ........$6.00
Bath Time: ...........$4.44
Time Out: ...........$12.21
Take Home Pay: ....$0000.02
No questions will be accepted. Thank you.
Have a nice week.
/s/ The Management
A new employee is hired at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am , there's a knock at the personnel manager'sdoor. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enpugh, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package brtween Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo TWO... TEST... TICKLES..."
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?...Think about it...
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. ALL the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
YOU KNOW YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT IF...
1. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
2. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
4. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
6. It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
7. Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
8. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
9. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
10. You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
11. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
12. You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because all the commander's, commissioners, military, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year, and visitor parking spaces are by the main entrance.
13. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
14. One "Oh Shit" wipes out years of "Atta Boys".
15. You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
16. Appearance is more important than substance.
17. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
18. There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
19. Art involves a white board and dry markers.
20. The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
21. Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
22. Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail, and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition, communication is a continuing problem.
23. You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
24. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
25. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
26. When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up, they are promoted.
27. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
28. Training is something spoken about but never seen.
29. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
30. No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
31. Change is the norm.
32. Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
33. The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
34. You only have makeup that goes well with fluorescent lighting.
35. You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xenaemail@example.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something ask them if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"
New Words for the Next Century ......
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE -The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." *(Syn: decruitment.)
VULCAN NERVE PINCH -The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On Key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY -The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE -The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
As an inspirational measure, the Boss had placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Employer's Lingo ...
* COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
* JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM: We have no time to train you.
* CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
* MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
* SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
* DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
* MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
* CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
* APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
* NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
* SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
* PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
* REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
* GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Employee's Lingo ...
* I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
* I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
* MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
* I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
* I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
* I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
* I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
* I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
* I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch. The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."
The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"
The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."
The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.
At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."
The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."
The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation has determined the following results on
corporate America's recreational activities.
The sport of choice for unemployed or jailed people is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for Middle Management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for Upper Management is GOLF.
That the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowing only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
When God make the first prototype for the human body, he gave each individual part a voice to provide input in the final product. Like every committee all members wanted to be boss.
The brain started off by saying, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We both should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands chimed in, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All body parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. After several days of the strike eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed (pun intended). All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, any asshole can do it.
The Lost Dr. Seuss Book - 'I Love My Job'
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and its Software;
I hug it often though it don't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!!
A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" she says.
"Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop. Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir, but..." says the madame, gesturing at a 70-year-old in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."
You know you're hooked on coffee when...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a small cup."
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You only go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
Your spouse uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a workstation...
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer, now a bit cheesed off , decided to do the Irishman in once and for all. He handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each tree and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
January 1, 2000
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing
The Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken..."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...
-You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
-Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
-Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
-Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
-You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
-You learn about your layoff on CNN
-Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
-You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
-Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined
-You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
-It's dark when you drive to and from work
-Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
-Communication is something your group is having problems with
-You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
-Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
-Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
-Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
-Art involves a white board
-You're already late on the assignment you just got
-When 100% of your time means 20 hours, with 40 more hours on the other 100% of your time.
-You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
-Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only
-Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up"
-Your boss' second favorite lines are "this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed." -Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Year's because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
-Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
-Change is the norm
-Nepotism is encouraged
-The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube
-You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
-You read this entire list and understood it.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21,1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
These are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals or OERS
(Officer Efficiency Reports)
1. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
2. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
3. "A room temperature IQ."
4. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
5. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
6. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
7. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
8. "Bright as Alaska in December."
9. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
10. "Donated his body to science before he was done using it."
11. "Fell out of the family tree."
12. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
13. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
14. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
15. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
16. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
17. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
18. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
19. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
20. "One neuron short of a synapse."
21. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
22. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
23. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
These quotes were reportedly taken from actual Year End Performance Evaluations:
1. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
2. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
3. "He has been working with glue too much."
4. "He would argue with a signpost."
5. "He has a knack of making strangers immediately."
6. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room."
7. "He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company."
8. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
Top 25 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
-Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
-Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
-We put the "k" in "kwality."
-Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
-A person who smiles in the face of adversity ...probably has a scapegoat.
-If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
-Plagiarism saves time.
-If at first you don't succeed, try management.
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
-TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.
-Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
-We waste time, so you don't have to.
-Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
-Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
-A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
-When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
-INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
-Succeed in spite of management.
-Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
-We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
-You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
-Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.