A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a very mild heart attack."
The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill, calls the guy over, and licks the bill.
At this point, I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to ME! Now everyone'sattention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the MARKETER in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home....
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you want a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram..... "O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal, .... I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,.... And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,..... I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how they come out.!!
In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. (Men are so sure we want them!)
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, farts loudly, and says,"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound."
Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. (Memory loss) 4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
7. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
8. You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
(Sudden weight gain)
9. You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."
(Female hormone deficiency)
10. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Gift Ideas For the Man in Your Life
With the Christmas season approaching, this should come in handy for many of you. Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems:
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. They're almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks, there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Menard's Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Goodyear Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.
"From NAPA Auto, hmm? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Chiefs/Vikings/Packers/Broncos game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why.
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." '
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, John?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "John, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the Insurance money and I love living here."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "John, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free moving (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her bottom.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
Your First Mammogram
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
MENtal illness - MENstrual cramps - MENtal breakdown - MENopause
...and when we have real trouble, it's HYS-terectomy
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University of Michigan that many should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man In just six trimesters, you too can become a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response To Getting In At 4:00 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 101 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
EAT 102 Get A Life, Learn To Cook II
Econ 101 What's Hers Is Hers
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like A Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
Econ 102 What Was Yours Is Hers
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take A Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Choices Below)
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How To Not Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 214 Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 How To Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes Of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
EAT 201 Cooking With Tofu
EAT 202 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 203 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
Econ 201 Cheaper To Keep Her
IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD...
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
- Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
- Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- Do I look like a freakin' people person?
- This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
- I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- You! Off my planet!
- Therapy is expensive & popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
- Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
- Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
- Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for helping me remain that way!
- If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
- Does your train of thought have a caboose, or just a lot of empty boxcars?
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
- And just how may I screw you over today?
- And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Sarcasm is just one of the fine services we offer.
- Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
- Better living through denial.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
- Adult child of alien invaders.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
- Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
- I'm not your type. I'm don't inflate.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep.
- Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
- Back off! You're standing on my aura.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
- Adults are just kids who owe money.
- One of us is thinking about sex.... OK, it's me.
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
- I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
- You say I'm a bitch as if that's a bad thing...
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
- Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
- Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
- Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
- A woman's favorite position: CEO
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- You look like shit. Is that the newest style now?
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
- No vacancy. Earth is full. Go home.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Does this diaphram make me look fat?
- Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
- I plead contemporary insanity & I'll do it again.
- And which dwarf are you?
- I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
- I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- It ain't the size, it's..... no wait-it IS the size.
- Meandering to a different drummer.
- I'm not tense - just terribly, terribly alert.
1. Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? They won't stop for directions.
4. Why did God put man on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
5. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in.
6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
7. Why do men snore when they lay on their back? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
8. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
9. Why were men given larger brains then dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
10. Why did God make men before women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
11. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he is coming or going.
12. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
13. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning upon waking up? Because they do not have balls to scratch.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked,
A crowded elevator - the elevator operator asks, "Floors, please."
People are calling out their floors. "Ladies' Wear, please"
A gentleman says, "Ballroom, please."
The woman in front of him moves forward a little, looks back at him and says, "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know I was crowding you."
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties:
Element Name: WOMAN
Atomic Weight: Unknown (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Becomes violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.