Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days . . . and then they saw an old Jewish rabbi, sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said. "But I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon trainleader.
"Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jewish people - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking them from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish man.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me."
The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy . . . vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through.
"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It wuzn't a bacon tree . . . It vuz a ham bush."
A man was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two buckets of fish, leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"PET fish?!" the warden asked.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle, and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay... I've got to see this!" The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After some minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "... Well ?"
"Well, what?" the man replied.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden demanded.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" The man asked..
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
No, the woman shakes her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asksthe other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but till now I never seen anybody do it."
This young man in Tombstone wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to John Meeuws and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said Meeuws.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said Old John.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said Meeuws. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel even better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him now?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin.'"
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy Buddy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."
Buddy agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. Buddy wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.
One o'clock, and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock, and no Buddy and she began to worry. At two-thirty, in came Buddy. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well. . . Yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties. And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!
An old Indian stands on a corner. A good looking woman passes by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. The woman walks past, and the Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer. She stops and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How' as a greeting."
The Indian replies, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance.'"
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Two cowboys are talking over beers, discussing various sex positions. First cowboy says his favourite position is the "rodeo". The other one asks what the position is and how to do it.
"Well, get your wife to get on the bed on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes this position as well."
Then try and hang on for 8 seconds."
A tourist is traveling out west, and stops by an Indian reservation. He was told that he ought to meet the Chief, who has a memory like an elephant. So he goes over to the Chief, tells him good morning, and just what does the Chief have every morning for breakfast?
The Chief tells him "Eggs."
The guys says OK, and goes on his way.
Years later, he stops by the reservation. He thinks to himself, "I'll see if the old Chief is still there, and can remember me." So he finds the Chief, walks up to him, raises his hand, and says, "How."
The Chief looks at him and says, "Scrambled."