Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped - - he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "241."
That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Vikings?"
Three guys from Minnesota are in a bar and spot a guy wearing Packer jacket. The first says he's going to go piss him off. He walks over to the Wisconsin guy and taps him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear Brett Favre is a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Minnesota guy walks back to his buddies. "I told him Brett Favre was a fag and he didn't flinch!"
"You just don't know how to do it. Watch and learn."
The second Minnesota guy walks over and taps the Packer fan on the shoulder. "I hear Brett Favre is a transvestite dicksmoker ..."
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Minnesota guy goes back to his buddies. "You're right, man. You can't rattle him."
The third Minnesota guy says "You wimps! I'll make him blow his cool. Just watch." The third Minnesota guy walks over to the Wisconsin guy, taps him on the shoulder and says... "Hey... I hear Brett Favre is from Minnesota!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
POLITICALLY CORRECT FOOTBALL
The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the Tampa Bay fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Bucs!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Bears fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for Da Bears!"
Seeing this, the Packer fan walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Viking fan off the side of the mountain.
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"Nah, he says. "They're all at the funeral."
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it. However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
They get paid to play, not to think:
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1995
"I'm gonna graduate on time........ no matter how long it takes."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
"He wants Texas back."
1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet."
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"