Southerners

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Rick. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Rick, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Rick rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Rick once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Rick noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is five times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked.

”No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

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Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago, when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

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A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said:  So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they  know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

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Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house."Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy"

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There was a man from Georgia staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."

The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead."

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Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart."

As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six-lane highway." Or, "Bless her heart, she's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence."

There are also the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue-clucking types of my childhood: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby seven months after they got married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds!" As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad, at least that's what my Great-aunt Tiny (bless her heart, she was anything but) used to say.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling me about her new Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, so don't even start, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move south a couple of years ago.

"Can you believe it?" she said to my friend, "A child of mine is going to be taaaalllkkin' liiike thiiiisss."

I can think of far worse fates than speaking Southern for this adorable little boy, who, bless his heart, must surely be the East Coast King of Mucus. I wish I'd been there. I would have said that she shouldn't fret because there is nothing so sweet or pleasing on the ear as a soft, Southern drawl. Of course, maybe we shouldn't be surprised at her "carryings on." After all, when you come from a part of the world where "family silver" refers to the large medallion around Uncle Vinnie's neck, you just have to, as Aunt Tiny would say, "consider the source."

Now don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here.

The ones who really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begin to act almost embarrassed about their speech. It's as if they want to bury it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield. We've already lost too much. I was raised to swan, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swan you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close" or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. That's OK. It's when you have to explain things to people who were born here that I get mad as a mule eating bumblebees.

Not long ago, I found myself trying to explain to a native Southerner what I meant by being "in the short rows." I'm used to explaining that expression (it means you've worked right smart and you're almost done) to newcomers to the land of buttermilk and cold collard sandwiches (better than you think), but to have to explain it to a Southerner was just plain weird. The most grating example is found in restaurants and stores where nice, magnolia-mouthed clerks now say, "you guys" instead of "y'all," as their mamas raised them up to say. I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words, "you guys."

Not long ago, I went to lunch with four women friends, and the waiter, a nice Southern boy, "you guys"-ed all of us within an inch of our lives. "You guys ready to order? What can I get for you guys? Would you guys like to keep you guys' forks?"

Lord, have mercy. It's a little comforting that, at the very same time some natives are so eager to blend in, they've taken to making microwave grits (an abomination), the rest of the world is catching on that it's cool to be Clampett. How else do you explain NASCAR tracks and Krispy Kreme doughnut franchises springing up like yard onions all over the country? To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness, take two tent revivals and a dose of redeye gravy and call me in the morning.

Bless your heart.

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        Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
        "What's Logic?" asked the first redneck.
        The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"
        "I sure do," grinned the redneck.
        "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
        "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
        The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
        Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZIN'!"
        "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
        "Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)
        "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.
        "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
        The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.
        "So what classes are ya takin'?" The friend asked.
        "Math, History, and Logic," replies the first redneck.
        "What in tarnation is Logic?" asked his new friend.
        "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
        "No," his friend replied.
        "You're queer, ain't ya?

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All good Southerners already know this, but in fairness to those Yankees (northerners visiting the South) or Damn Yankees (northerners who visit the South and stay) there are some things you need to know.

1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whoop a man's ass for less than that.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC or ACC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Utah every week.

5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g., Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g., Clinton). We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better!

6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave.

7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't put sugar in your grits.

8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.

9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee ass back up North.

10. We don't play lacrosse or any of those other sissy-ass northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We simply don't care.

11. We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz; you have to know how to do it right first.

12. Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to bar-b-q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. You're damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place, so don't push your luck!

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You might be a redneck if...

You've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Bikers back down from your mama opening a beer bottle.

Your bicycle has a gun rack.

After removing the empty beer cans from your car you find you get fifteen more miles to the gallon.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"

You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.

You come back from the dump with more than you took to it.

Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpit.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You are allowed to bring your dog to work.

You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has a opening on the lube rack.

The neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You've ever vacationed in a rest area.

You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.

You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.

You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

The Orkin man tells you "Give up you've lost".

You think paprika is a third-world country.

You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

People hunt in your front yard.

Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

Going to the bathroom in the of middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.

You can take your bra off while driving.

You have more than 10 ceramicle statues in your front yard.

You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".

You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

People are scared to touch your bathrobe.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree at the corner.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You've ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance.

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        The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
         Included in this information was a cockpit voice recorder similar to what the airlines use. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
         Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words
were, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

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        At the 1997 World Women's Conference, the first speaker, from England, stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
        The crowd cheered.
        The second speaker, from France, stood up: "After last years' Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
        The crowd cheered.
        The third speaker - from Alabama - stood up: "After last years' Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his cooking, cleaning or shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye... "

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REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue. And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze; softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, you sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, better than diamonds it's a new ridin' mower.

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Southern Astrological Signs

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have not served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers.

THE NEW SIGNS

Okra Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around, and run away from Moon Pies.

Boll Weevil Feb 20 - Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. A Moon Pie wouldn't even have you.

Moon Pie Mar 21 - Apr 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum Apr 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over. Be careful with Moon Pies, they'll run you over too.

Crawfish May 22 - Jun 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but in affairs of the heart, not even a Moon Pie would look at you.

Collards Jun 22- Jul 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them.Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish Jul 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits Aug 24 - Sep 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well but don't associate with Moon Pies.

Boiled Peanuts Sep 24 - Oct 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you, except for Moon Pies who will run you over in a heartbeat.

Butter Bean Oct 24 - Nov 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo Nov 23 - Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today.You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility. Avoid Moon Pies at all cost.

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Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive"- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard"-Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window"-Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy"-When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem"-How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM"-Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte"-First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot"-What you do when the first pair gets coverd with barnyard stuff.
"Network"-Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line. "Mouse"-Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. "LAN"-To borrow as in," Hey Delbert! LAN me yer truck"
"Cursor"-What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/ or girlfriend.
"Bit"- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"Digital control"-what yer fingers do on the TV remote.
"Packet"-What you do to a suitcase or WAL-MART bag before a trip.

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THINGS YOU WOULDN'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY!

Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only  sixteen.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000,  Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come  to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up,it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is to big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, bobbie jo,is registered at tiffany's
I've got two cases of zima for the super bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "hee haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I belive you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darla.
Elvis who?

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        After having their 11th child, a couple from Arkansas named Rob and Sarah decided that was enough, (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, Rob went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
        The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
        Rob said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
        So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Arkansas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
        Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, Rob went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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    Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"
    "Yep," said the second Texan.
    The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"
    She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
    The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"

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    In a crowded city, at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
    Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. A second time, she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
    So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack, and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Okie that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
    Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Okie drawled "Well, Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that you wanted to be friends."

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Redneck Medical  Dictionary:

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.....................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear....................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illnes.........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one more.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.......................Near by/close by

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SURVIVAL TIPS FOR YANKEES DOWN SOUTH

1) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3) Just because you can drive on snow & ice does not mean we can. Stay home the 2 days of the year it snows.

4) If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a 4-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer & a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

6) Don't buy food at the movie store.

7) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8) Remember, "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it's a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10) Get used to hearing - "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

11) People walk slower here.

12) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14) The proper pronounciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15) Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on & the tent is torn down.

17) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18) Most Southerners do not use turn signals & they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with southern license plates, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21) If there is a prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store; it is just something you're supposed to do.

22) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer & should, therefore, be displayed.

23) Tornadoes & Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25) In southern churches, you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud & Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", & "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

26) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in the 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere & this is the proper speed & lane position for that vehicle.

27) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of the key hills, trees & rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself!