Signs/Stickers/Sayings

Foreign Signs

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world. How cute!

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery :
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT

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Bad Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 

14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

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Badly Worded Signs in England

Outside an electrical store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!

Sign in a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit

Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself

In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours

Road sign:
Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries

At the zoo:
Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.

In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door:
'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)

Outside a furniture shop:
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship

Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating

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Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;

1.    On a blanket from Taiwan -
        NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2.    On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
        REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3.    On a Taiwanese shampoo -
        USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4.    On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
        AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5.    On a New Zealand insect spray -
        THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6.    In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
        TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
        (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7.    On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
        LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8.    In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:

9.    On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
        WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10.   On a Sears hairdryer -
        DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11.   On a bag of Fritos -
        YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12.   On a bar of Dial soap -
      DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13.   On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
      DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14.   On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
       PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15.   On a Korean kitchen knife -
      WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16.   On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
      FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17.   On a Japanese food processor -
      NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18.   On Sainsbury's peanuts -
      WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19.   On an American Airlines packet of nuts
       INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20.  On a Swedish chainsaw -
      DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21.   On a child's superman costume -
        WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22.   On some frozen dinners
        SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23.   On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
       FITS ONE HEAD.

24.   On packaging for a Rowenta iron
       DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25.   On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
      DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26.   On Nytol sleep aid
       WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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Bob Levey's Best T-shirts of the Summer

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can'tRemember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen:  Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16) Over the outline of the state of Minnesota - My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20) ( Front)Yale Is Just One Big Party ( back)With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS-Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea.  It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted:  Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, But Not Necessarily in That Order

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

---------------------

EARTH FIRST!  We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Friends don't let Friends drive naked.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'  ... till you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you ... unless you fall off.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Dear Auntie Em, I Hate you, I hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off NOW.

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Axe me about Ebonics

CATS: The other white meat

Dain bramaged

Don't be sexist - broads hate that

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything...But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Saw it ... Wanted it ... Had a fit ...Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

If it ain't broken... fix it 'til it is

I am trying to see things from your point of view,
        but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Graduate quickly ...
        millions on welfare depend on you.

Illiterate ? ...
        write for free help.

I drive like this to piss you off.

Jesus loves you ...
        Everyone else thinks you're an ass hole.

Your child may be an honor student,
        but you're still an idiot.

If you can read this,
        then you're in range.

House guarded by shotgun 3 days a week ...
        you guess which days.

I get enough exercise just pushin' my luck

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T-shirts and baseball caps:

"Silly faggot! Dix are for chix!"
"Yes, dear"
"The Earth is full - go home"
"You're the reason I'm medicated"
"Evil shouldn't look this good"
"XXL Cojones"
"I'm multi-talented - I can talk and piss you off at the same time"
"Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of asteriods?"
"I used to be schizophrenic but we're Okay now"
"I'm not smiling - I have gas"
"Your ridiculous opinion has been noted"
"Do they ever shut up on this planet?"
"Don't annoy the crazy person"
"If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my underwear"
"You better buy me another drink - you're still ugly"
"Your proctologist called - they found your head"

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Lumber Company:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

At A Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot.  Would that be satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.  We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what your looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help!  We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit!  Stay!  "

At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't
you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

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 1. Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

 2. i souport publik edekasion.

 3. Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

 4. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

 5. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

 6. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

 7. There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

 8. I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

 9. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

 10. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!