Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs.
The waitress asks, "How would you like those eggs cooked?"
The guy says, "Hey, that would be great."
A Panda bear walks into a cafe, and orders a bamboo salad and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter returns to the table to bring him the check, and begins to ask "Will there be anything - " when the Panda suddenly reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
He calmly stands up, wipes off his chin with a napkin, and heads for the door, when the startled manager grabs him and yells, "Hey! You just killed my best waiter! And you didn't even pay the check!"
The Panda grabs the manager by the throat, lifts him off the floor, and growls "Hey, man! I'm a PANDA. Don't you know what that means?"
Weakly, the manager stutters "N-n-no..."
"Well, why don't you LOOK IT UP, MORON?" the Panda growls, drops the man on the floor, and walks out the door.
The shaken manager picks himself up, dusts himself off, goes to his office, and looks "panda" up in the dictionary. He reads:
"pan-da - A large mammal of the Asian mountain forests realated to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves."
A man is greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank...
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else
wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a f**king uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me, her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled...it's kinda cute.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go, Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Customer: "Why does every waiter carry a spoon in his shirt pocket?"
Waiter: "We had an efficiency expert conduct a study at the restaurant. He discovered that 75% of our time was spent getting utensils for customers because they had dropped a spoon, knife or fork. Since customers are mostly likely to drop a spoon, we figure that we save at least 25% of our time by having an extra spoon available."
Customer: "Excuse me again, but why does every male waiter have a string hanging out of the front of his pants?"
Waiter: "Well, the efficiency expert told us we spend 10% of our time washing our hands after going to the bathroom. So the restaurant now requires every male waiter to tie a string to his penis. That way he doesn't have to touch it when he goes."
Customer: "That sounds like a good idea, but how does the waiter get his penis back into his pants without touching it?
Waiter: "I don't' know how the other guys manage, but I use my spoon."