Religion

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

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Dear Dr. Laura,
        Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
        When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
        I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
        I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
        Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
        I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
        A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
        Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
        I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

-Emo Philips

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There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock - of course - who was very interested in making an extra pound where he could ... so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will-erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried: "Oh,God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

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"It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it."
        -G. K. Chesterton

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"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."

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SUBJ: Musical Bulletin Bloopers

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

A church congregation sat enthralled while a young, very pregnant woman rose in the choir and sang, "O Lord, make haste and deliver me."

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I found a penny today. just laying on the ground
But, it's not just a penny, this little coin I've found

"Found pennies come from heaven," that's what my Grandpa told me
He said, "Angels toss them down." Oh, how I loved that story!

He said, "When an Angel misses you, she tosses a penny down,
Sometimes just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown."

So don't pass by that penny when you're feeling blue,
It may be a penny from heaven that an Angel's tossed to you!

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I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!

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A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

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Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

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Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

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Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

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Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

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A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

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Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

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I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

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I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

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"He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at." ---Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods'

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"And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords." - Alan Wilson Watts

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"Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much." -- G.K. Chesterton

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"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill

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A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

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Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!"

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And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over."

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Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.

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I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.

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Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.

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Give me some of that old-time Religion... HAIL ZEUS!

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In a crisis call for Isis!

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In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.

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Heavenly Basketball: Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... ......He SCORES!

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That was Zen. This is Tao.

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Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

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The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

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On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

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"If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe." -- Malaclypse the Younger

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If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.

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Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

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"Confession without repentance is just bragging." - Rev. Eugene Bolton

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Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!

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Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

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Go thou and sin more creatively next time.

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Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

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Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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"I don't question YOUR existence."

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The Three Religious Truths of Life:

        1.  The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.

        2.  Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

        3.  Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other

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A white minister volunteers to go to Africa and be a missionary to a primitive tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and about good Christian ways, and often gives strong sermons about the evil of sexual sin.

One day, one of the native women gives birth to a white child. The powerful and angry Chief comes to talk with the missionary. "Preacher-man! You talk at us the evils of sexual sin! Now black woman give birth to white baby! You only white man in village! You explain!"

The missionary tries, "Good Chief, this a rather uncommon, but very natural thing. This is called an albino, and is God's way. Do you understand?"

The Chief, very angry, replies, "No! I do not understand!"

The missionary gestures with his hand, "Look at Chief's many sheep. All of them are white, and yet, one among them is black. This happens sometimes. It is God's way. Do you understand now?"

The Chief's eyes narrow. He looks at his sheep, then looks at the preacher, and says, "Okay, Preacher-man. I understand. You say nothing about black sheep, I say nothing about white baby!"

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly blurts out, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "MY bike!"

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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Soccer Match. Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture." The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildly for a week with just the nod of my head."

The Queen says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see you do it."

A split second later the Pope head butts her...

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor dying man. "

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solem voice :

" B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

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A Catholic priest is driving on a side road from Chicago to Minneapolis at the same time that a Jewish Rabbi is driving the very same road from Minneapolis to Chicago. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other, head on, and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Rabbi manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says. "God, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the priest scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He, too, says to himself, "It’s hard to believe I survived this wreck!"

The Rabbi walks over to the priest and says, "Father, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."

The priest thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends." The Rabbi decides to see what else survived the wreck. He walks over, pops open his trunk, and finds a full, unopened, undamaged bottle of Mogan David wine.

He says to the priest, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship."

The priest says, "You're right!" and he accepts the bottle, taking a long, calming drink. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the priest hands it back to the Rabbi and says, "your turn."

The Rabbi twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "No,thanks. I think I'll wait for the Police to arrive."

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A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly: "Like I'm talking to a wall.

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ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign last Sunday: "I upped my Pledge--up yours"

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God created the mule, and told him, "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

" The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20 years."

And it was so.

Then, God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the Earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

Man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And it was so.

And so, God created Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating leftovers. Finally, in his old age, Man is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown for the amusement of his grandchildren.

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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.  So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little.....something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?

... Oh!  You didn't get one either?