Relationships
 

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed.
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.

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Jones was a handsome, prosperous young farmer. One day, he was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem. How would he carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" Jones replied, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

Jones said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and take advantage of me?"

Jones said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a man married for ten years looks happy - we wonder why.

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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather has just died."

"Thank God," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've had to."

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The other day my son and I were talking, and the subject of women came up, and I realized that it was time he and I had a Serious Talk. It's a talk every father should have with his son; and yet, far too often, we
fathers avoid the subject, because it's so awkward.

The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women.

This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and -- yes -- his passion for her: an electric blanket. He honestly could not understand why, when she opened the box, she gave him that look (you veteran men know the look I mean). After all, this was the deluxe model electric blanket! With an automatic thermostat! What more could any woman WANT?

Another example: I once worked with a guy named George who, for Christmas, gave his wife, for her big gift -- and I am not making this gift up -- a chain saw. (As he later explained: ``Hey, we NEEDED a chain saw.'') Fortunately, the saw was not operational when his wife unwrapped it.

The mistake that George and my dad made, and that many guys make, was thinking that when you choose a gift for a woman, it should do something useful. Wrong! The first rule of buying gifts for women is: THE GIFT SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING, OR, IF IT DOES, IT SHOULD DO IT BADLY.

For example, let's consider two possible gifts, both of which, theoretically, perform the same function:

GIFT ONE: A state-of-the-art gasoline-powered lantern, with electronic ignition and dual mantles capable of generating 1,200 lumens of light for 10 hours on a single tank of fuel.

GIFT TWO: A scented beeswax candle, containing visible particles of bee poop and providing roughly the same illumination as a lukewarm corn dog.

Now to a guy, Gift One is clearly superior, because you could use it to see in the dark. Whereas to a woman, Gift Two is MUCH better, because women love to sit around in the gloom with reeking, sputtering candles, and don't ask ME why. I also don't know why a woman would be ticked off if you gave her a 56-piece socket-wrench set with a 72-tooth reversible ratchet, but thrilled if you give her a tiny, very expensive vial of liquid with a name like ``L'essence de Nooquie Eau de Parfum de Cologne de Toilette de Bidet,'' which, to the naked male nostril, does not smell any better than a stick of Juicy Fruit. All I'm saying is that this is the kind of thing women want. (That's why the ultimate gift is jewelry; it's totally useless.)

The second rule of buying gifts for women is: YOU ARE NEVER FINISHED. This is the scary part, the part that my son and his friends are just discovering. If you have a girlfriend, she will give you, at MINIMUM, a birthday gift, an anniversary gift, a Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa gift, and a Valentine's Day gift, and every one of these gifts will be nicely wrapped AND accompanied by a thoughtful card. When she gives you this gift, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HER ONE BACK. You can't just open your wallet and say, ``Here's, let's see... 17 dollars!''

And, as I told my son, it only gets worse. Looming ahead are bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, Mother's Day and other Mandatory Gift Occasions that would not even EXIST if men, as is alleged, really ran the world. Women observe ALL of these occasions, and MORE. My wife will buy gifts for NO REASON. She'll go into one of those gift stores at the mall that men never enter, and she'll find something, maybe a tiny cute box that could not hold anything larger than a molecule, and is therefore useless, and she'll buy it, PLUS a thoughtful card, and SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE RECIPIENT IS YET. Millions of other women are out doing the same thing, getting farther and farther ahead, while we guys are home watching instant replays. We have no chance of winning this war.

That's what I told my son. It wasn't pleasant, but it was time he knew the truth. Some day, when he is older and stronger, we'll tackle an even more difficult issue, namely, what to do when a woman asks: ``Do these pants make me look fat?'' (Answer: Flee the country.)

- Dave Barry

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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,... don't your ears ever get cold?

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Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.  He says,

"Jack let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and I said, here try these on."

So she did and said, "These just don't fit."

So I replied,"...Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and always will.  Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack.

He thinks that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,

"Here try these on."

So she does and says, "These just won't fit."

So Jack says,"   Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her panties and hands them to Jack and says,

"Here you try on mine.

So he does and says, "I can't get into these."

So Jill says, "Exactly.  And if you don't change your attitude, you never will..."

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A professor in mathmatics sent a letter to his wife:

        Dear Wife:

        You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

        Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

        Dear Husband:

        You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
        Therefore, don't wait up.

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A convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison when he escaped. On the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow,and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom."

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Seen in a hotel men's room:

The common 75 cent vending machine, one side dispensing condoms, and the other side dispensing Anacin. Above the condom side, a magic marker artist had written "His," and above the Anacin side, "Hers."

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There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell  around their penis.

A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest...

>Ting-a-ling<

The chief priest said  "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard

>Ting a ling<

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang!

"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph."

>Ting-a-ling<

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THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

              Good:  Your wife just gave birth.
              Bad:  It's triplets
              Ugly:  You had a vasectomy five years ago.

              Good:  You're wife isn't talking to you
              Bad:  She wants a divorce.
              Ugly:  She's a lawyer.

              Good:  Your son is finally maturing
              Bad:  He's involved with the woman next door.
              Ugly:  So are you.

              Good:  Your son studies a lot in his room.
              Bad:  You find several porn movies hidden there.
              Ugly:  You're in them.

              Good:  Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
              Bad:  You can't find your birth control pills.
              Ugly:  Your daughter borrowed them.

              Good:  Your husband understands fashion.
              Bad:  He's a cross dresser
              Ugly:  He looks better then you.

              Good:  You give the "Birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
              Bad:  She keeps interrupting.
              Ugly:  With corrections.

              Good:  The postman's early.
              Bad:  He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
              Ugly:  You gave him nothing for Christmas

              Good:  Your son is dating someone new.
              Bad:  It's another man.
              Ugly:  He's your best friend.

              Good:  Your daughter got a new job.
              Bad:  As a hooker.
              Ugly:  Your coworkers are her best customers.
              Way-ugly:  She makes more money then you do.

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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite."

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25 WORST PICKUP LINES

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going...

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb-diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

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"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

        -Lewis Grizzard

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 "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

         -Robin Williams

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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

         -Robin Williams

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A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
 

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

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"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

        -Roseanne

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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

        -Billy Crystal

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

        -Jay Leno

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"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it."

        -Bill Cosby

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"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"

        -Jay Leno

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"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

        -Elayne Boosler

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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

        -Jay Leno

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"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

        -Elayne Boosler

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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

        -Jerry Seinfield

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"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

        -George Carlin

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"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

        -Lewis Grizzard

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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

        -Robin Williams

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Many many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters more, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom and it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.

So if my wife is my grandma, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandma, I am my own grandpa!

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One night, a man and his wife had just done the "wild thing," and they're cuddling all cozy, and start to talk of their sexual fantasies. He tells her," You know, Honey, I've always had this funny compulsion to insert my penis into the pickle slicer at work."

She laughs at first, but her mood quickly changes. "Are you serious?"

He replies, awkwardly, "Well, yeah... I guess, I dunno... it's occurred to me a few times..."

Concerned, she asks,"Sweetheart, that sounds really dangerous! Maybe you should see a sex therapist or psychologist or something..."

"Oh, gosh, no!" he replies. "It's nothing like that! I could never... oh, just forget I said anything!"

"Well... okay..."

Early one afternoon, a couple of weeks later, she's coming back from the grocery, and as she steps inside, she sees him sitting on the couch, his overcoat over his lap, and the color drained from his face.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Well ... remember when I told you that I had this urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh my God! What happened?"

"Well," he says. "I got fired!"

"Oh, Darling! I don't care about that!" she implores. "What happened, you know... with the PICKLE SLICER?"

"Oh, she got fired, too..."

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

 What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

 Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

 What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

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TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN & WOMEN: (and what they really mean).

Womens' Reasons

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in "that" way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.  (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same "solar system", much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfillling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've only sworn off men like you.)

... and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)...

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating details about all the other men I meet.

Men's Reasons

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in "that" way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

... and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)...

1. Let's be friends. (You're DAMN ugly.)

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A guy and his new date are out parking for the first time, after a lovely dinner and movie. He makes the first move, puts his arm around her, and they begin to kiss when she suddenly breaks away.

"I have to be honest with you," she says, "and I hope it won't affect our relationship, but... the truth is, my breasts haven't grown since I was 12."

He smiles and, embarrassed, says, "Oh, that's all right, I don't mind. In fact, to be honest with you, I ... have a penis like a baby."

Relieved by his candor, she smiles and kisses him passionately.

He soon finds that she was, indeed, telling the truth about her small breasts, and not long after that, she is slipping her hand down his pants, when suddenly, she screams and recoils in horror!

She gasps, "I thought you said you had a penis like a baby!"

He replies, "Yeah... eight pounds, three ounces..."

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A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says,"What a great a chest you have!"

The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 pounds of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have!"

The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 pounds of dynamite."

He then takes off his underwear and the woman, without saying a word, gets up a walks straight out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have."

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black..."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair..."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes..."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby, and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

The midwife asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty to eat. Would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer, and they both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"Oh no!" she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

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Dating Vs. Marriage

When you are dating... Farting is never an issue
When you are married...You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband... at all times

When you are dating... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married... He brings home a 6 pack, and says, "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating… He holds your hand in public
When you are married... He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating... A single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married... A king size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married... You think to yourself..."Was he ALWAYS this hairy?"

When you are dating... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married... You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone?"

When you are dating... He hugs you, when he walks by you, for no reason
When you are married... He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married... You wonder who will die first

When you are dating... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married... When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out

When you are dating... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married... The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married... He says "It's your job."

When you are dating... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married... He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married... He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating... He calls you by name
When you are married... He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

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A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1,874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out at a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know...  why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth."

"Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess it's not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished. He looked around, but saw no one. He finally walked on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

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An old classic:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

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Subject: Man + Woman

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profits
Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going away from here."

He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him, "I just found out that I can make 400 bucks a night doing what I give you for free."

He pondered that, then went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.

She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied, "I'm going too."

"Why?" She asked.

He said, "I want to see how you you are going to live on $800 a year."

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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."