Ponderous

25 Things You Probably Didn't Know:

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.

6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).

7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into sky.

8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.

11. On average, a human being will spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

13. Rats and horses can't vomit.

14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

19. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

20. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

21. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

22. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

23. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

24. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

25. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

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So, Think Ya Know Everything?

* Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

* Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

* There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

* The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

* A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

* There are more chickens than people in the world.

* Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.

* The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

* All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

* No words in the English language rhyme with the words "month," "orange," "silver," or "purple."

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

* Almonds are a member of the peach family.

* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

* There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

* Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula"

* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

* In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

* A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

* A dime has 118 ridges all round the edge.

* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

* In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

* Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

... now you know everything.

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TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS:

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

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1) Start with the given:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:

C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:

666

Barney is Satan!

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"For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong."
- Mencken's Metalaw

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Chaffin's Bluff, Va.

More than 130 years after Appomattox, Karen Storer came within a second or two of becoming another casualty of the Ciil War.

"I heard this noise - 'cachoo - cachoo' - looked up, and a big old branch was coming down, and then a cannonball," says Storer, 47. "It might've hit me on the head, but I was washing my car, and had just moved." When it went kaplunk, she instantly knew what it was, "because there's a trench right behind my house," 10 miles south of Richmond, where a major Civil War battle took place in the fall of 1864.

The cannonball had apparently been imbedded in the old tree since the battle.

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Did you know...

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop... even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute...

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

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FACT OR FALSE:

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch"will cause your stools to come out green.
(FACT!)

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
(FACT!)

Pigeons are the result of crossbreeding between a seagull and a dove.
(FALSE)

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME.
(FACT! They enter while you sleep!)

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
(FACT!)

John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
(FACT!)

Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.
(FACT!)

If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.
(FACT!)

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. (FACT!)

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
(FACT!) [ditto with the President and Vice President]

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
(FACT!)

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
(FACT! They are reused in vein transplant surgery)

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
(FACT! They were seventh cousins)

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.
(FACT!)

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room - with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face!

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you deserve the trip.

Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.

Bill's travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it!

No husband has ever been shot while washing dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going in the garage makes you a mechanic.

By the time you make ends meet - They move the ends.

Thou shalt not weight more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I am in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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* At birth in the U.S. there are 2% more males than females.

* At age 25 there are an equal number of males and females.

* At age 35 there are 2% more women.

* At age 55 there are 7% more women.

* At age 65 there are 14% more women.

* At 75+ there are 30% more women.

If you were studying the human race from some distant galaxy you'd probably assume that as the females got older and wiser, they were killing off the males...

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Words to live by...

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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Comedy Based on Tragedies

Some people tend to cover up the truth when they show up in public with a black eye, broken arm or using crutches, and then try to explain what happened. Elaborate stories are concocted, but nearly every time the truth comes out, sometimes quite soon, sometimes years later.

TRUE STORY #1

One young man now confesses that several years ago he went to a family reunion with extremely red ears and had a heck of a time trying to explain how it occurred. (He never did admit they were burned!)

"Burned how?" was the natural question.

His ears had gotten burned during one of those long, lazy weekends of nothing but football watching and drinking beer. "I was deeply engrossed in the game, and my wife was ironing near by. She left the room, leaving the iron near the telephone. The phone rang...Keeping my eyes glued to the TV set, I grabbed the hot iron and put it to my ear, thinking it was the telephone."

How did both ears get burned, we may ask.

"I hadn't anymore than hung up, when the man called back!!"

TRUE STORY #2:

There was this young couple who had a terrific argument one morning before leaving for work. The wife couldn't get her dress zipped up in back, so she backed up to her husband and motioned for him to zip up her zipper.

"I'll show you zipping", he thought, and briskly whipped it up and down the slide till it broke. He had to cut her out of her favorite dress, which didn't make her happier with him. They went their separate ways to work, both boiling mad at each other.

The wife did a slow burn all day. When she got home that evening, she walked through the garage and saw her husband under the car fixing something, with only his legs sticking out. She decided her moment of REVENGE had come.

She leaned over, grabbed his pants zipper, and whipped it up and down. Quite contented, she walked into the kitchen, where she found her husband standing by the sink. Sheepishly, she asked him, "Who is in the garage, under the car?"

She was told it was a neighbor who had come over to help work on the car.

The acutely embarrassed wife asked her husband to help explain the situation to the neighbor, and they both returned to the garage. They asked him to ome out from under the car, but he didn't respond. When they finally dragged him out, he was unconscious and bleeding, from slamming his head into the underside of the car each time he got zipped by surprise!!

TRUE STORY #3:

Our story is not complete without telling of a man who could not give a convincing explanation about his broken arm. He kept muttering something about trying to stick his arm through his car window that he thought was down.

That was the public version; in private, he confessed that it happened when his wife brought some potted plants indoors after they had been out on the patio all day. A friendly garter snake had hidden in one of the pots, and later slithered out across the floor, and the wife spotted it.

"I was in the bathtub when I heard her scream," he related. "I thought she was being murdered, so I jumped out of the tub, and ran to help her. I didn't even grab a towel. When I ran into the living room, she yelled that a snake was under the couch. I got down on all fours to look for it, and just then my dog came up from behind and `cold-nosed' me. I guess I thought it was the snake, and I fainted dead away. My wife thought I'd had a heart-attack and called for an ambulance.

"I was still groggy when the medics arrived, and lifted me onto a stretcher. Just as they were carrying me out, the snake came out from under the couch, and obviously frightened one of the medics. He dropped his end of the stretcher... and that is when I broke my arm."

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* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* Shouldn't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

* Why do people read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older? Maybe they are cramming for their finals.

* If mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons, and forks; do Oriental mothers use toothpicks?

* Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

* If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

* No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

* As I said before, I never repeat myself!

* What the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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Proverbs:

A bad Scrabble player: Inconsonant with bad vowel movement.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

A hamster is a lot like a Ho-Ho--soft on the outside, creamy in the center.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A mind is like a steel trap: Rusty, and illegal in 37 states.

A recipe for having friends: Be one.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Any day above ground is a good day.

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Bacteria: They're the only culture some people have.

Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Before you criticize someone, make sure you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Cancer causes statistics, especially in lab rats.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Clones are people two.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way.

Disney World: a people-trap operated by a mouse.

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.

Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Have a great day...unless you have other plans.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the next freeway exit!

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.

History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than 1 pound?

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I haven't lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere!

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I live with fear every day, but sometimes she lets me go fishing.

I lost my mind, but I'm sure I have it backed up on tape somewhere...

I started out in this world with nothing, and I still have most of it left!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority!

I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?

I've got a...uh...uh...oh yeah! A photographic memory!

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If at first you don't succeed, call the author.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If it doesn't kill you, it's probably healthy.

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of Congress?

If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

In all human work the wise look for virtues and the fools look for flaws.

Indecision is the mother of flexibility. [Frank Stone]

Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually when your car windows are down.

Is a dermatologist's knowledge only skin deep?

Is there another word for synonym?

Is there another word for Thesaurus?

It helps to not break the Prozac in half.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer.

Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.

Many people spend their health for wealth, and then try to spend their wealth for health.

Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Motivations can fade, but habits prevail.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never in my life did I have a lunch box that did not fill me with shame.

Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.

Normal is only a setting on your dryer.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!

One man's red tape is another man's system.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and stupidity...and I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Paranoia is a terrible thing to waste.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Practice doesn't make perfect. Practicing perfect makes perfect.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Put not all thine eggs in one basket but diversify among many baskets and speak up about the evils of the capital gains tax.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Rehab is for quitters.

Remember amateurs built the Ark. It was experts that built the Titanic.

Remember, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?

Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate!

Save Santa a trip--be naughty!

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.

Smile. Keep everyone confused.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Success always occurs in private; failure in full view.

Success: If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better off than if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded.

Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.

The Blockbuster Entertainment awards were Tuesday: Nicolas Cage won for "Con Air"; Julia Roberts won for "My Best Friend's Wedding"; and I won for "Biggest Late Fee."

The facts--though they may be interesting--are irrelevant.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.

The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need mowing.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not much Medicare.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

The road to success is always under construction.

The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.

The two most abundant elements in the universe are: hydrogen and stupidity.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.

For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

Those who can't write, write help files.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

Today is the last day of your life, until further notice

Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the reverse.

Verb is a noun.

Wasting time is an important part of life.

We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? (A stick.) or a 'boomewrong'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Beat the animal w/ the plant.

What is your mind? It doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind.

When all else fails, read the instructions. (or use a map)

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did--in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Where there's a will, I want to be in it. (Speaking of  mother-in-laws!)

Wife to husband:  "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats."

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? (why ask why?)

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? or credit card number?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food? and cat flavored dog food?

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him think very clearly.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks or a new dog much of anything at all.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

You don't know the value of the water until it's gone.

Have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist - or a lead pipe.

You stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

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Some good phrases to remember:

1. I STARTED out with nothing... I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

12. It was all so different before everything changed.

13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

17. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

24. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that).

25. Lead me not into temptation. (I can find the way myself.)

26. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

27. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

28. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

32. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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-If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

-The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.

-Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

-On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

-The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

-It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

-Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

-Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

-In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

-A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

-Polar bears are left handed.

-The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other animal.

-The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

-A cockroach will live nine days without it's head. The only reason it doesn't live longer is that it's unable to eat.

-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

-Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

-Butterflies taste with their feet.

-Elephants are the only land animals that can't jump.

-A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

-Starfish don't have brains.

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Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A: Conception.

Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
A: Skinny dipping.

Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
A: No theme song/music.

Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace.

Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A: Obsession.

Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A: Wash their hands. Women 80% / Men 55%

Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A: Gain weight.

Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
A: Banana.

Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand.

Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.

Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A: Change their underwear.

Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A: A kiss.

Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A: Honey.

Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. A: Father's Day. Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
A: He was allergic to carrots.

Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this.
A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A: Wear underwear.

Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% methane?
A: A fart.

Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
A: Cheating on their wives.

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Stephen Wright one-liners

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

* Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do they have mail boxes outside of the post office? You're already there.

Why is it a pair of panties, but only one bra?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you are moving at the speed of light, will your headlights work?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

----------------

George Carlin:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

----------------

 The Paradox of our Time - by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.  We spend more, but have less;  we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families;  more conveniences, but less time;  we have more degrees, but less sense;  more knowledge, but less judgment;  more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much,  smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly,  stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;  we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion;  tall men, and short character;  steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;  more leisure, but less fun;  more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;  of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom;  a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight ... or to just hit delete.

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TRUE STORY: Drive By Shooting

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas on vacation, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it; her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.

When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman. Her hands were still behind her head but her eyes were open and they had a fearful look in them. The woman looked so strange that Linda tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?"

The woman answered slowly, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

Linda ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. Linda returned to the car and attempted to open the car door, but it was locked. She asked the woman to open the car door but the woman explained that she could not take her hands off her head, because, she feared that if she took her hands down, her brains would fall out.

When the paramedics came they broke into the car. Carefully they removed one hand and then the other from the woman's head.

They found… bread dough… on the back of her head and in her hands, but no gun shot wound. Looking around the car for a cause, the paramedics discovered that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion, like that of a gunshot, and the metal canister top, followed by the dough, had hit the woman in the back of the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then came to and held onto her head in an attempt to hold her brains in.