Parents

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

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My mother taught me CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS....
"I just scrubbed that floor. Go outside and bleed in the entry."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... and don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing --- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."

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From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:

1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.

8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh- oh", it is already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke... lots of it.

13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.

16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.

20. Super Glue is forever.

21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22. So can Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.

24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.

29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. (...unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

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You Know You're a Mom When ...

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run  around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because you're  too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.

12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

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The Images of Mother:

4 YEARS OF AGE: My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE: That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE: Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE: Wonder what Mom would think about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE: Wish I could talk it over with Mom..

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Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the
sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little
voice says, "because I love you best."

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or
years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

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A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Naghila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son. "She's a Roman Catholic... "

"Oy veh!" says the father, "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son...

"Ok... as long as you're happy... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlumeil and Chutzpah.

Schlumeil calls on his father the next evening, "Father! I, too, will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises. " What is her name?" implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous, " says the son, "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father..."

"... Ok, then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. "Please, God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes... PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the Spring!"

"Her NAME?" his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!"

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Dr. Goldberg's daughter, Shelley, from Santa Monica?"

"No..." says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says Moisha. "Must be Atty. Goldberg's daughter, Rachel, from San Diego?"

"Ah... no, Father" says Chutzpah.

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"

"It's Whoopi, from Los Angeles!" says Chutzpah.

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It's the Spring of 1961 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

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These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents.

The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and dad's room and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother.

"Come with me," he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!"

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The wisest answer to this age-old question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", I ever heard was the one told by my dear father, who, unfortunately, died in 1944, when I was 11. Dad was born in 1880, a gentle, railroading, PA Dutchman, who often during our boyhood years would reply to the question (in Dutch and English), "Why does a chicken cross the road?"

A very, logical, wise and simple answer, "Because it's too far the long way around."

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved. The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior.

Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually, and saw the 8-year-old first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

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A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man", says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"

"Yes sir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says,

"We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out."