Outdoors

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and onward west to Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged with no sign of the missing men.

They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course. The Czech is in the male."

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Camping Tips...

* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

* A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

* The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

* When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

* Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

* Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

* When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

* In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

* You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

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A bear and a rabbit meet in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit,"Excuse me,
do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"

"No," replies the rabbit." So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

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In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field:

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

"We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

"It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

"Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.

"Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

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Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

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Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices: I either maul you to death or we have sex."

Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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This was on the Lewis & Floorwax Show, on 103.5 FM, The Fox Radio in Denver.

DATELINE: Michigan, USA.

A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go to do some male bonding. They go duck hunting, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ????

Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice, all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog, well, its just about as happy as a pig in shit and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to newer heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think (something that he has never done before this moment), grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dog finds? You got it. Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30, some thousand dollar, $400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

        >BOOM!<

The dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30 some thousand dollar $400+ monthly payment vehicle, sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.