Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the takeoff."
"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year."
Red Green is looking at a secondhand computer, aquired by his nerdy nephew Harold, and set up on a table in the middle of the Possum Lodge. Red doesn't want anything to do with it, when Harold comes bursting into the room:
"Hey Red! Did you get the email I sent you?"
"What? Mail? No, I haven't been to the post office... "
"No, no! E-MAIL! It's waiting for you right there on your computer! I'll show you!" (clicketyclicketyclackclack...)
"There! See? It says... 'HI!'"
Red, obviously underwhelmed, "Oh, gee, that's really something ..."
"No, Red, this is really great! There's no paper! No waiting! And, no stamps!"
"You mean it doesn't cost anything?"
"Well, no... you have to pay a monthly fee... "
"Oh, I see... it's FEE-MAIL. No wonder I don't understand it."
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to"
So Ole drove to Duluth.
When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep that's her!"
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian.
"Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more."
A Norwegian nurse was asked why she had a rectal thermometer behind her ear. "My goodness,: she exclaimed, "now I remember where I mislaid my pen"
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you buy ME one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.
"Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"
"It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" asked the manager.
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Two salesmen were driving through the country late at night when their car broke down. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"That's alright," one said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later... one of the salesman got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He called up the other and said and said, "Do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at nine months ago?"
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"...Well, yes, I did."
"And did you USE MY NAME?"
The other salesman confessed, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did... Why?"
"I just got a letter from that widow lady's attorney. It seems she died and left me her farm!"
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"
Ole and Sven were laid off. So off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic on de cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she authorized him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation.
"Diesel Fitter," he replied.
Since Diesel Fitters was a skilled job, the clerk granted Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew de elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep. Diesel fitter."
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a Gun-N-Knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 27. You don't know what applique is.
27. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Een, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
28. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
29. You've never been to a craft show.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and, as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Diary of a snow shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the 3-@x@!x!x slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
South Dakota Temperatures
The Temperature Conversion Guide
50 above = New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
South Dakotans plant gardens.
40 above = Californians shiver uncontrollably.
South Dakotans sunbathe.
35 above = Italian cars won't start.
South Dakotans drive with the windows down.
32 above = Distilled water freezes.
Brookings' water gets thicker.
20 above = Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats.
South Dakotans throw on a t-shirt.
15 above = Californians begin to evacuate the state.
South Dakotans go swimming.
Zero = New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
South Dakotans have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below = People in Miami cease to exist.
South Dakotans lick flag poles.
20 below = Californians fly away to Mexico.
South Dakotans throw on a light jacket.
40 below = Hollywood disintergrates.
South Dakotans rent some videos.
60 below = Mt. St. Helens freezes.
South Dakota Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
80 below = Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
South Dakota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival"
classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
South Dakotans pull down their ear flaps.
173 below = Ethyl alcohol freezes.
South Dakotans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below = Microbial life survives on dairy products.
South Dakota cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below = ALL atomic motion stops.
South Dakotans start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below = Hell freezes over.
The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.
How cold was it?? All the monkeys voices changed overnight!
* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming
* 35 Italian cars don't start
* 32 Water freezes
* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming
* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5 American cars don't start
* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist
* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start
* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30 You plan a two week hot bath
* Swedish cars don't start
* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Well, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Well, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He says to Lena, "What am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."