Hallmark Card Rejects
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side; she's a really good lay
2. My tire was thumping; I thought it was flat....
When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends...
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you; how upset you must be...
But don't fret about it- she moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead. It was once so alive...
Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car and can't remember why...
Could it have been that case of Bud Dry?
Top 22 Signs You Had Too Much of the 90's:
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 3rd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
You know you worked in Corporate America in the 90's if...
-You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
-Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
-Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
-Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
-You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
-You learn about your layoff on CNN
-Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
-You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
-Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined
-You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
-It's dark when you drive to and from work
-Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
-Communication is something your group is having problems with
-You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
-Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
-Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
-Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
-Art involves a white board
-You're already late on the assignment you just got
-When 100% of your time means 20 hours, with 40 more hours on the other 100% of your time.
-You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
-Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only
-Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up"
-Your boss' second favorite lines are "this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."
-Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Year's because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
-Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
-Change is the norm
-Nepotism is encouraged
-The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube
-You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
-You read this entire list and understood it.
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his, as yet, unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month, he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account, it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.
He called the credit card company, who apologized for the computer error once again, and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game, and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him, asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company, claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post, they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.