Musicians

Before starting a rock band... you should know that the following names are already taken. Okay, I can't actually verify all of these as having been actual bands, but a lot of them supposedly are, and a lot of them definitely are. They're good for a laugh, at any rate:

Albino Toilet Boys

Alcoholocaust

Alcoholics Unanimous

Almighty Lumberjacks of Death

Apocalypse Hoboken

Armageddon Dildos

Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings

The Band Formerly Known As Sausage

Band Over

Band That Shot Liberty Valence

Barbara's Bush

The Battered Wives

Blind Ignorants

Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits

The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir

The Boxing Ghandis

Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre

Breakfast in Beirut

Bruno Gerussi's Medallion

Buck Futt & the Rearenders

Bulimia Banquet

Bunchof***kingoofs

Buster Cherri

Buster Hymen & the Penetrators

Caltransvestites

Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers

Carnage Asada

Cat Sass

Catz Ass

The ChristPunchers

Chixdiggit!

Cindy Brady's Lisp

Cold Cock

Cortizone 5

Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

Country Bob and the Bloodfarmers

Crash Test Dummies

the Crash Test Tickles

Cupid's Eczema

The Dancing French Liberals of 1848

The Dead Sea Squirrels

The Dead Kennedys

The Dick Clarks

The Dick Nixons

Dick Delicious & The Tasty Testicles

Dicky Retardo

Drunks With Guns

e. coli

Edith Head

Electric Prostates

Elvis Hitler

Elvis Manson

Ethyl Merman

EZ Bang

The Fags

Fathead

Fearless Iranians From Hell

Feisty Cadavers

Fields of Shit

'57 Lesbian

The 4-Skins

Four Nurses of the Apocalypse

Free Beer

The French are from Hell

Fromage d'Amour

Gefilte Joe and the Fish

Genital Hercules

God Bullies

Gonoreagan

Headless Marines

The Headstones

Hell Camino

Here Comes Old Vodka Tits

Herpes Cineplex

Hindu Garage Sale

Hitler's Bikini

HIV and the Positives

Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives

Hornets Attack Victor Mature

The Illuminati

Impotent Sea Snakes

Inhale Mary

Janitors Against Apartheid

Jehovah's Waitresses

Jehovah's Wetness

Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

Jehovah's Shit List

Jesus Christ Super Fly

Jesus Chrysler Supercar

Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army

JFKFC

Jonestown Punch

Jr. Gone Wild

Kathleen Turner Overdrive

Kerrigan's Knees

Lack of Afro

Lawn Piranhas

The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation

Lee Harvey Keitel

Lesbian Ninjas

Louder Than God

The Lowest Of The Low

Mao Tse Helen

Mary Kay and the Cosmetics

Max Roach and the Holders

Minnie Pearl's Jam

Mr. Happy and the Genocides

Mussolini Headkick

My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions

Nervous Christians and the Lions

Norman Bates and the Shower Heads

Not Drowning, Waving

Nuclear Underwear

Pabst Smear

Pearl Harbor and the Explosions

Penis DeMilo

Pepto Dismal

Phenobarbidols

Phil and the Blanks

Phlegm Fatale

Pig Farm

Poor Dumb Bastards

Poultry in Motion

Pretentious Flamedogs

The Pro-Midget Mafia

Psychic Buddhist Gorillas

Psycho Sluts from Hell

Public Hair

Pungent Frustration

Purple Headed Love Warriors

Radioguts

Raging Pimps of Doom

Rectal Nightmare

Reluctant Stereotypes

Reserectum

Results of Inbreeding

Retarted Elf

Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

The Royal Scheitzmen

Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

Sandy Duncan's Eye

Screaming Headless Torsos

Screaming Iguanas of Love

Screaming Moist Accountants

Septic Death

Seven Year Bitch

The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra

Shirley Temple of Doom

Shirley Temple Pilots

Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]

Sing Along With Tonto

Skeptic Tank

Sleepytime Gorilla Museum

Slimy Penis Breath

Smegma & the Nuns

Smorgasborgnine

SNFU

Solosex

The Sound of Munich

Spanking Bozo

Spastic Colon

The Sphinctones

Stiff Nipple

Stiff Richards

Stukas Over Bedrock

Swingin' Johnsons

Swollen Members

Ted Bundy's Volkswagen

The Telephony Bandits of Doom

Temporary Darkening of the Stool

Testostertones

The Texas Nazis

Thank God We're Immortal

They Tried To Frame OJ

theXpairOmentals

To Live and Shave in LA

Toxic Shock and the Tampons

Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew

Tragic Mulatto

Transsexual Hitler

Trotsky Icepick

The Ugly Ducklings

Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

Unstoppable Kamikaze Idiots

Vaginal Davis

The Velcro Pygmies

Vic Morrow's Head

The Well Hungarians

Willie Nelson Mandela

Yoko Homo

You Ruined Christmas

Zombies Under Stress

Zulu Leprechauns

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Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan opens his eyes after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."

Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "`Close to You.' Hit it, boys!"
-Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller)

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These are lifted from the zZounds website. I don't know if they approve, but I'll at least give them a plug and say that it truly is a really good place to buy music gear. I buy there myself.

Drummers
Guitarists
Keyboardists
Bass Players
Singers
Orchestra
Other Musicians

Drummers
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How can you tell when a drummer is at the door?
He knocks slowly at first and speeds up.

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How do you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?
You remove the Domino's Pizza sign.

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Why do guitarists put drum stix on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spots.

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What do you call a guy/gal who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.

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What do you call the guy who carries all the band gear?
The Drummer.

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2 drummers get in a cab, which one is the professional musician?
The Cabbie!

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You got a drummer and a frog in the middle of the road. Which one do you hit??
The Drummer, because the frog might have a gig!

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Famous quote: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines that do that now.

Or... Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Or... One, but only after asking, "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")

Or... Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

Or... Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

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Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.

"200," replies the first guest.

"Well, that's great," says Bob, "Let's talk about etherial astro physics." Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"

The new guest responds with "165."

"Great," says Bob, "Let's talk about advanced math." Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.

Much later in the party after many more guests had arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door. "Hi my name's Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it: "22."

"Well that's great," says Bob, "What kind of drumsticks do you use?"

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A guy walks into a shop and says, "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

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By now, everybody's heard the one about the terrible plane crash that brought an up-and-coming band to an untimely end, right? In case you hadn't: everyone died - the crash killed four musicians and a drummer.

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Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

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What do you call a rock drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Guitarists

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How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One... he holds the bulb and the world just revolves around him.

Or: Four... one to change the light bulb and three others to say "I could have done that!"

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How can you tell when a guitar player is at the door?
He knocks, sometimes for 5 minutes or more.

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A music theory lesson:
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

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What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

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What is the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unision.

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How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.

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How do you make him stop?
Put notes on it.

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What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
His amplifier.

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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

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What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?

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What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!

Keyboardists

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Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

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Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

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Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

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What does it mean when a keyboard player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

Bass Players

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What do you call an in-tune bass player?
Fiction... there's no such thing as an in-tune bass player.

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An anthropoligist goes to an island to study a primitive tribe. On the second day, he is awoken by these loud crashing drums that go on all day. Getting tired of this, he asks the chief, "What's with the drums."

Chiefs nods his head, looks at the ground and says..."very bad thing coming."

This goes on for several days, and each day he tried to pry information from the chief about the drums. Each day the chief says, "...very bad thing coming."

Finally at the end of the third day, the drums quit all of a sudden. The anthropologist runs to the chief and asks, "is this the bad thing? If so, what is it?"

The chief says "Yes, very bad thing now. Bass solo."

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Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 4 hours to get the bass player out.

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How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
The bass player notices.

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I was walking down the street one day, when I saw this guy strangling a little kid.

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"I was playing bass in that club," says the guy, "and this little punk ran in and twisted one of my tuning pegs."

"That's horrible," I said, "but it's no reason to brutalize him."

The guy replied, "Well, he won't tell me which one he messed with!"

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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Or... Six: one to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Or... None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Singers

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How do you get a singer's eyes to sparkle?
Put a flashlight in his ear.

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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five... One to change the bulb and 4 to write songs about the old one.

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How many singers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?:
One! She simply holds it up and the world revolves around her!

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A musician dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter is there to greet him. The musician says, "St. Pete, are any gigs up here? Any bands I can get into?"

St. Pete says, "Yeah, we've got the greatest rock 'n roll band anywhere, we've got Jimi Hendrix on guitar, John Bonham on drums, Phil Lynott on bass... you know, all the greats..."

The musician says, "Great! This band will kick ass!"

St. Pete says, "Well, there is ONE little catch... You see, God's got this girlfriend..."

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How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

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What's the inscription on dead blues-singers' tombstones?
I didn't wake up this morning...

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A jazz pianist is doing a gig with a singer. Before the first number, he says to her, "I want you to do the first four bars in E flat, the second four in A flat, and the last eight in 3/4 time."

The singer looks at him and says, "How do you expect me to do that?"

"You did it last night," he answers.

Orchestra

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What's the difference between a bong and a bassoon?
Still working on it, I haven't found one yet...

Or... the water in the bong is cleaner.

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What's the difference between a violin and a viola.
Violas burn longer.

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How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.

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How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
Steal his batteries.

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What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

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What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

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How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Play facing backwards and chip a lot of notes.

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What is the difference between a french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

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What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A trombone will bend before it breaks.

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What's the definition of an optimist?
A trombonist with a beeper.

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What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" X 3 1/2".

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What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

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What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

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Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said, "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Your repertoire."

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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe: I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max: Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news...The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Scheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe: So what's the bad news?

Max: Well, you're booked to play the solo!

Other Musicians

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What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When someone throws an accordion in the dumpster and it smashes a banjo!

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What's the difference between an accordian and a trampoline?
You don't have to take off your shoes before you jump on an accordian.

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What's the difference between a musician and a 14" pizza?
A 14" pizza can feed a family of 4.

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What's brown and found on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.

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How do you get a harmonica player off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.

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What is the difference between a sax solo and a lawn mower?
The lawn mower is less repetitive.

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How many Soundmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Soundmen don't do lights.

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What happens if you play country music backwards?
You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.

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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the band.

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There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?

The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

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How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two... One, two... One, two...

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How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

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Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he stapled himself to the chicken.

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Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?
Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.

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What do you say to an Jazz graduate with a job?
I'll have a hamburger, please.

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What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a savings bond?
Eventually the savings bond will mature and earn some money.