Murphy's Laws

"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Quality assurance doesn't.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

He who hesitates is probably right.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

You never want the one you can afford.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

If it says, "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Interchangeable parts won't.

No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters turbulence.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

A free agent is anything but.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Mother nature is a bitch.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.

If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Where patience fails, force prevails.

Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet. -Erma Bombeck

The distance to your departure gate is directly proportional to the weight of your carry on luggage and inversely proportional to the time remaining before your flight.

If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.

If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.

When waiting for traffic, chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested.

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Murphy's Law of Copiers:
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
    When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that:
    1. the two cars are going in opposite directions, and
    2. they will always meet at the bridge.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:
Things get worse under pressure.

The Murphy Philosophy:
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws:
Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.

In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right... something is wrong.

The phonebook that you seem to need is always the one on the very bottom of the pile.

No matter how empty a tube of toothpaste is, if you squeeze hard enough then there is always enough left for another brush.

On an overcrowded train, every window will be controlled by at least one over-sixty.

No matter how hard you look for something, you will only find it after you have bought a new one.

The best thing plastic wrap sticks to is itself.

Gravity never works in your favor.

If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers.

When wanting to tear away only a couple of squares of toilet paper with your only available hand, you will inevitably end up unwinding half of the roll.

Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!

Murphy was an optimist

Murphy's Technology Law #1:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

 Murphy's Technology Law #2:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

 Murphy's Technology Law #3:
New systems generate new problems.

 Murphy's Technology Law #4:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

 Murphy's Technology Law #5:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

 Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

 Murphy's Technology Law #7:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

 Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

 Murphy's Technology Law #9:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

 Murphy's Technology Law #10:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Bahaman's Law on Computer Software: for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version of that software appears in the market.