Morons

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

------------------

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid...

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher-Price, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
There are splinters in the windmill of her mind.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

------------------

This is the Official Moron Test.  It's based upon typical graduation requirements at the University of Harvard.  Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and check your answers.  DON'T CHEAT! Try to finish within 5 minutes.  When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others.  OK, here goes...

  1.  Is there a 4th of July in England?  Yes or no?
  2.  How many birthdays does the average man have?
  3.  Some months have 31 days.   How many have 28?
  4.  How many outs are there in an inning?
  5.  Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister.
  6.  Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.  What do you get?
  7.  There are 3 apples and you take two away.  How many apples are you left with?
  8.  A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour.  How long   will the pills last?
  9.  A farmer has 17 sheep.  All but 9 of them die.  How many sheep are left?
  10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
  11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall.  What does he weigh?
  12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
  13. What was the President's name in 1960?
 

***SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS*****************************

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  So how do you think you did?  Here are the answers:

  1.  Is there a 4th of July in England?  Yes or No?
      Yes.  It comes right after the 3rd.

  2.  How many birthdays does the average man have?
      One (1).  You can only be born once.

  3.  Some months have 31 days.  How many have 28?
      Twelve (12).  All of them have at least 28 days.

  4.  How many outs are there in an inning?
      Six (6).  Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

  5.  Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
      No. He would be dead if it is his widow.

  6.  Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.  What do you get?
      Seventy (70).  Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

  7.  There are 3 apples and you take two away.  How many apples are you left with?
      Two (2).  You take two apples...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.

  8.  A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
      hour.  How long will the pills last?
      One hour.  If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and
      the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed.

  9.  A farmer has 17 sheep.  All but 9 of them die.  How many sheep are left?
      Nine (9).  Like I said, all BUT nine die.

  10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
      None.  I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

  11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall.  What does he weigh?
      Meat...that is self-explanatory.

  12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
      Twelve (12).  How many eggs are in a dozen?  TWELVE...it's a dozen.

  13.  What was the President's name in 1960?
       George W. Bush.  As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.

  So, how did you do?

  13 correct...........GENIUS...you are good.

  10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.

  7- 9 correct..........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?

  4- 6 correct.............SLOW...pay attention to the questions!

  1- correct............IDIOT...what else can be said?

  0 correct..CONGRATULATIONS...you are a Certified MORON!