Men

Life isn't fair to men. When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

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The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners are wondering too.

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Reasons Men Like Being Men

1. Your last name stays put.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

6. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

7. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

8. The world is your urinal.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

11. Same work... more pay.

12. Wrinkles add character.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $50.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. And don't forget... Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

19. You know stuff about tanks.

20. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

21. You can open all your own jars.

22. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

25. You can kill your own food.

26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

30. Everything on your face stays its original color.

31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me.

34. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

35. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

36. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

37. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

38. You almost never have strap problems in public.

39. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

40. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

41. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

42. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

43. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

44. Christmas shopping accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

45. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

46. We don't have to shave below the neck.

47. A few belches are expected and tolerated.

48. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

49. Your orgasms are real. Always.

50. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

51. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

52. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

53. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

54. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

56. No maxi-pads.

57. You don't mooch off other's desserts.


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1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing. We men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but whom the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need to go roam ... Starve in cave... Must go find wild beast... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

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"If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him ... is he still wrong?"

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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

* 10. Cats' facial expressions

* 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

* 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

* 7. Fat clothes

* 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

* 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

* 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

* 3. Eyelash curlers

* 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

* 1. OTHER WOMEN

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Things men will NEVER say:

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Her tits are just too big.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.

7. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally McBeal.

10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

11. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.

19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting dressed for for bed? Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way.. you weeded the garden last week? It's my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we're late for church.

29. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.

30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

31. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.

32. Slow down, you move too fast. You've got to make the morning last.

33. Put some panties on for Christ's sake.

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Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart - despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the `90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

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If Men Truly Ran the World...

Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.  Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.  But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative Pay-Per-View event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

Instead of "beer belly", you'd get "beer biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

When a cop gives you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you respond with would actually reduce your fine.  As in:
        Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
        You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
        Cop: "Nice one.  That's $10 off."

People would never talk about how "fresh" they felt.

Every man would get 4 real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you return it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that says "You're #1!".

When your girlfriend/wife really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted again last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"  cards.

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National Condom Week

1.  COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2.  BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3.  DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4.  WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5.  DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6.  YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7.  IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8.  IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9.  IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10.  IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11.  SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12.  IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13.  WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14.  WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15.  ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16.  NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17.  DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18.  THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19.  WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20.  A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21.  NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22.  IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON

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"What She Says"
-what she really means

"We need"
-I want

"This Kitchen is so ____"
-I want a new house

"I want new curtains"
-and carpet, and furniture, and...

"I need a new pair of shoes"
-the other 40 are all the wrong colour

"I only need a soap dish"
-We'll check out ALL the sale items

"Those are a bargain"
-Did you bring your chequebook ?

"Does this dress look OK ?"
-I need a new wardrobe

"Look at this coat!"
-Is VISA maxed out ?

"You're so attentive tonight"
-Is sex all you ever think about?

"It's just.... I'm soooo tired"
-Get away from me, you sex maniac

"It's been such a hectic day"
-Get away from me, you sex maniac

"Hon! I just did my hair"
-Get away from me, you sex maniac

"Are the kids asleep ?"
-Get away from me, you sex maniac

"Won't you be late for work ?"
-Get away from me, you sex maniac

"Turn out the lights first"
-My thighs looked flabby today

"Of course I like making love"
-Is this gonna take much longer?

"You're ... so manly"
-You need a shave and a shower

"You have such a manly scent"
-For God's sake. Use some deodorant

"My, don't you look comfortable"
-Go put on a shirt, slob

"So nice to see you relaxing"
-Don't sit around in your underwear

"I'm not upset !"
-Of course I'm upset, you moron

"I'm not emotional !"
-You'd be too, if you married an idiot

"I'm not mad at all"
-I can't believe you're thatstupid

"Yes, I'm still talking to you"
-I can't believe you're that stupid

"I'm not being quiet"
-I can't believe you're that stupid

"Nothing is wrong"
-Besides the fact you're such an arsehole

"Hang the picture there"
-NO -- there! Can't you listen?

"Hon, I hate to interrupt..."
-Turn off the damn TV

"When you get a chance ..."
-Get up & do it right now !

"When you get time ... "
-Get up & do it right now !

"I just remembered ..."
-Get up & do it right now !

"No hurry, but ..."
-Get up & do it right now !

"Did you lock the front door ?"
-Get up and go check, now !

"I think I heard a noise"
-Get up and go check, now !

"Was that the baby ?"
-Check on the baby, and change/walk him

"Just reminding you"
-I've asked you a dozen damn times

"Do you love me ?"
-I want something expensive

"How much do you love me ?"
-I did something terrible

"Be ready in a minute"
-Find a game on TV

"Is my bum fat ?"
-Tell me I'm beautiful

"Do you like this lipstick ?"
-Tell me I'm beautiful

"Should I get my hair cut ?"
-Tell me I'm beautiful

"Yes"
-No

"Maybe"
-No

"Well, we'll see"
-No

"Perhaps"
-No

"If you think so"
-No

"Let's think about it"
-No

-"Shouldn't we wait ?"
No

"Let's not rush things"
-No

"No"
-NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!

"I'm sorry"
-You'll be sorry

"Do you forgive me ?"
-You'll be sorry

"Well, I was upset"
-You'll be sorry

"Well, I was tired"
-You'll be sorry

"Well, I had a headache"
-You'll be sorry

"Do what you want"
-You'll pay for this later, big time

"Do what you think best"
-You'll pay for this later, big time

"You know more about it"
-You'll pay for this later, big time

"As I recall, it was your idea"
-You'll pay for this later, big time

"Yes, I've calmed down"
-You'll pay for this later, big time

"I realise it was my fault sweetheart"
-You ain't seen nothing yet !

"It's your decision"
-The correct decision is obvious

"Sure... go ahead"
-Don't you dare, you clown

"You like this recipe?"
-It's easy to fix

"Do you want to eat out ?"
-I forgot to go grocery shopping

"What do you want for dinner ?"
-I don't feel like cooking

"You seen that new restaurant ?"
-I don't feel like cooking

"It's your Mother's recipe"
-You'd better damn well eat that

"You liked that the last time"
-You'd better damn well eat that

"Don't want to talk yet"
-Go away, I'm building up steam

"Just need some time to think"
-Go away, I'm building up steam

"We need to talk"
-I need to complain

"Learn to communicate"
-Just agree with me

"I am not yelling !"
-This is important, you idiot !

"Are you listening to me ???"
-[Too late, you're dead]

"Our anniversary's coming up"
-When I think of the guys I could've married

"The kids were so bad today"
-Your gene pool needs more chlorine

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"He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet."
- Fred Allen

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"Writing is easy. All you have to do is stare at a blanksheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
- Gene Fowler

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I married Miss Right;
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"

Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!"

The man responds, "I don't care just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

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If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

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A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

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Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

    a. Present it to the president of the United States.
    b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
    c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?

    a. Innocence.
    b. Idealism.
    c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

    a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
    c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

    a. A cat.
    b. A dog.
    c. A dog that eats cats.
 

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

    a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
    b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?

    a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    c. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

    a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    b. "They're in school already?"
    c. "There are three of them?"

8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.

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 Forty Ways Men Fail In Bed

 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.

 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!

 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixedwith egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

 27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

 33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

 37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

 40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,... and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.

---------------

"The Battle of the Bobbits"
(to the tune of "the Beverly Hillbillies")



Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A Poor ex-Marine with his little wanker gone
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife
She lopped off his dong with a swipe of a knife

Penis, that is... clean cut... missed his nuts...

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
Tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend

Curve, that is... tossed the nub... in the shrub...

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in the air

Found, that is... by a fence... evidence

Now John and his Peter couldn't stay apart for long
So a dick doc said "Hey, I can fix that dong!
A needle and a thread is all I'm gonna need."
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny pee'd

Whizzed, that is... straight stream... even seam...

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer 'cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and aquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape

Video, that is... unexposed... case closed...

Y'all sleep on yore stomachs, now, y'hear!

----------------

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex?
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

----------------
 

Twenty Five more things you will never hear a woman say...

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter, Tracy.

8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!

9. The new girl in my office used to be a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass!

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex-girlfriend has class.

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present, thanks "Poopy".

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job, How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and morning breath. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

24. You are so much smarter than my father.

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

---------------------

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU`RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are. I`m going to set the garage on fire."

---------------------

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short!

----------------

WHY SOME MEN PREFER DATING BIMBO'S

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet - even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now please finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.

And the number one reason some men prefer dating bimbos...

1. They will put up with you!

---------------

John was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being Referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

John was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

John laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." John tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As John admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

John thought for a moment and said, "Sure ... "

The salesman eyed John and said,"Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck."

John was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." John tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

John was on a roll and said, "Sure ... "

The salesman eyed John's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9 ... Wide."

John was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." John was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

John thought for a second, and said, "Sure ... "

The salesman stepped back, eyed John's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."

John laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

-------------

 Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties:

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Unknown (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Becomes violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

---------------

Why A Man Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her...
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.