Medicine

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

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Actual Sentences from Patient Medical Charts:

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69- year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

* Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

"It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

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Top Ten Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exams are done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, take a left when you enter the trailer park.

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only item listed under Preventive Care is an apple a day.

6. The only proctologist listed in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.

5. Your primary care physician is wearing pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last health insurance plan, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little m's on them.

AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO...

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

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A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 Inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

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A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

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In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

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A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball.

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A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

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A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

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From the New England Journal of Medicine: Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a Man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There is no question: Gazing at well developed breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately go to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!".

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease. "

The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!".

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to to opulate!

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeky, Dick fall off by self!

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A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and started to write with it. Seeing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great ... some asshole's got my pen."

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A week after their marriage, these newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doctor, my testicles are turning blue."

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"

"Yes." she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked.

"Grape." she said.

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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...

1.Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

2.Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

3.Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

4.Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

5.Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

6.There go the lights again...

7.Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

8.Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

9.Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

10.What's this doing here?

11.I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

12.That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery #2...

1.Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

2.Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

3.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

4.OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

5.This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

6.Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

7.Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

8.What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

9.FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

10.Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

11.Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

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A woman, a medical professional, is sitting in a seat, reading a magazine while waiting at a bus station, when she can't help but hear a man in a seat about ten feet away:

"Uh... uh.. ah... AH... ACHOOOO!" After which, the man gets a grand look of relief on his face. He then takes his hand, holding a handkerchief, and thrusts it into the pocket of his trenchcoat, and moves it around his groin area.

She does her best to ignore this, but of course, it happens again:

"Uh... uh...  AH... ACHOOOO! ... Aahhhh!" and, again, with the hankerchief in the pocket.

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices that the man has red eyes, a red, runny nose, difficulty breathing, feverishness, and that he is obviously quite ill. She is overcome by her professional urge to help.

"Excuse me, sir, but I couldn't help noticing that you don't seem to be feeling well. I'm a Registered Nurse, is there anything I can do to help?"

He explains,"Oh, no, M'am, I'm afraid not. You see, I have this extremely rare and uncurable allergy where I... I... uh... ACHOOO! ... Aaahhh! ... Sorry- I've got this sickness where every time I sneeze, I have ... well ... an orgasm."

"... Oh my Lord! You poor man! " she  replies, "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Uh, yeah, I am. ... Ragweed... "

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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an exam room and puts the dog on the table. The vet examines the limp dog and after a moment tells the owner that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and unwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks up and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat agrees that your dog is dead".

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead, so the vet brings in a black labrador retriever. The retriever sniffs the body, walks head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but he agrees that your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the truth, thanks the vet and asks him if he owes anything.

The vet answers "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, " I'm only charging you $50 for my diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test."

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Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where,through the window, you could see a man masturbating wildly. Of course, the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah." said the Doctor. "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that, unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day, his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

A little further on down the corridor, they passed another room. The door was open, and through it, you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow job.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"

"Ah." Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."

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Redneck Medical  Dictionary:

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Secti..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.......................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma..........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema.........................Not a friend.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet...........................A small table.
Terminal Illnes....... ..Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one more.
Urine............................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by