Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied
Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "Oh, that's sad... Uh, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your friggin' cat!"

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Little Johnny and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later, Little Johnny saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

Little Johnny looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

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The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. The teacher said "Very good, Billy," then she turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1) you have a dirty mind,

2) you didn't read your homework, and

3) one day you will be very, very disappointed.

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        A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices little Johnny next door. Little Johnny is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
        The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" Little Johnny says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
        The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
        "Thanks mister", says little Johnny.
        The fireman looks a little closer and notices little Johnny has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Son", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
        Little Johnny says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

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        Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
        "My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
        The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
        Tommy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

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        Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby.
        The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.
        "So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy.
        The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.
        "Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know
        "Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."
        "See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"

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      Little Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen listening to him playing with
his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."
      Alarmed and angry, the mother went in and told him "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
      Two hours later, Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard him say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon."
      She hears Little Johnny continue,"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow
all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
      As the mother began to smile, Johnny added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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        A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
        After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
        The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
        "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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        Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
        "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
        "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
        "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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        The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
        Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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        At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent  when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
        Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny what's the matter?"
        Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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        Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of  the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
        "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
        Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"