Language

Leroy is a 20 year-old 9th grader. This is his homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. "Axe" The policeman wanted to axe me some questions.

2. "Honor" At the rape trial the judge axed my buddy who be honor first?

3. "Disappointment" My parole officer tol me if I miss dissapointment, he gonna send me back to da big house.

4. "Forclose" If I pay alimony this month, I got no money forclose.

5. "Seldom" My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, and I seldom.

6. "Catacomb" Don King was at da fight the other night, man, sombody oughta give dat catacomb.

7. "Acoustic" When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.

8. "Iraq" When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle iraq, you break.

9. "Israel" Alonso try to sell me a Rolex, I say it look fake, he say bullshit, dat watch israel.

10. "Tripoli" I was gonna buy my wife a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.

11. "Stain" My mother in law stopped by and I axed her, you stain for dinner?

12. "Hotel" I gave my girlfriend crabs and da hotel everybody.

13. "Penis" I went to da doctor and he hand me a cup and say penis.

14. "Rectum" I had two Cadillacs, but my ol lady rectum both.

15. "Undermine" There be a fine looking hoe living in the apartment undermine.

16. "Odyssey" I tol my brother you odyssey the tits on dat hoe.

17. "Fortify" I axed da hoe how much and she say fortify.

18. "Income" I just got in bed with dat hoe and income my wife.

--------------------------------

For anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions they might encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving. (Not overly intelligent.)

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. (Self-explanatory)

3. Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not very generous.)

4. Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action.)

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet. (We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.)

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)

7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth. (That woman can talk.)

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs. (We really could use a little rain around here.)

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)

10. This ain't my first rodeo. (I've been around awhile.)

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)

12. They ate supper before they said grace. (Living in sin.)

13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope. (Stop arguing and do as you're told.)

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse. (Rather prone to boasting.)

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits. (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.)

---------------------------

Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?

5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t " one of which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?

7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

 ANSWERS:

1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (firetruck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name)

----------------

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

-------------------

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

------------------

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn:

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present. (And this last could mean"gift"  or "era of time ")

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

--------------

Subject: English as a Stupid Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger.

There is no apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

French fries in weren't invented in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand is slow.

Boxing rings are square.

A Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

You can make amends but not one amend.

You comb through annals of history but not a SINGLE annal.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Teachers taught, preachers don't praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, could you have you bote your tongue?

People recite at a play and play at a recital.

Ship by truck and send cargo or a truck by ship.

Noses run and feet smell.

Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

Lift a thumb to thumb a lift.

Table a plan in order to plan a table.

A slim chance and a fat chance are the same, but a wise man and wise guy are opposites.

Overlook and oversee are opposites, but quite a lot and quite a few are the same.

How can a person be "pretty ugly?".

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?

Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

Where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

A house can burn up as it burns down.

Fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm clock goes off by going on.

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "crazy, man!" is a compliment.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

-----------------

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice, but the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, when couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine, but the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, but I give a boot - would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these, why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?

Then one may be that, and three may be those, yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree, Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

I take it you already know of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you on hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps to learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word that looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead; it's said like bed, not bead; for goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat, (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother. Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there. And dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose - Just look them up - and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Man alive, I'd learned to speak it when I was five,

And yet to write it, the more I sigh, I'll not learn how 'till the day I die.

---------------

An English professor was giving a lecture on double negatives. "As you should know, the use of a double negative, as in 'don't got no..., ain't no..., never no,' and so forth, is clearly wrong usage. As a technical fact, the use of a double negative actually reverses its intent and creates a positive. If you say you 'ain't got no,' the two negatives negate each other with the net result being that you are actually implying that you 'DO got!'"

A student raised her hand and asked, "does it work the other way? Imean, does using a double positive create a negative?"

The professor replied,"curiously, no. There are no instances in which the use of a double positive creates a negative."

A voice popped up in the back of the hall, "yeah, right... "

----------------

"Shit" is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. "Shit" may just be the most powerful word in the English Language.

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bullshit, and horseshit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. And that's no shit!

--------------

True meaning of Oriental names:

Wa Shing Kah------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim---------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting--------There is no reason to raise your voice
Ai Bang Mai Ne-----------I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat----------------You need a face lift
Dung On Mai Shu--------I stepped in #$%*
Dum Gai-------------------A stupid person
Gun Pao Der-------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung-----------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding----------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun----------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia------------------Approach me
Lao Zi----------------------Not very good
Lao Ze Sho---------------Gilligan's Island
Lin Ching----------------- An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding----------A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn--------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai------------------ A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne------------A small horse
Tai Ne Ba Bol----------- A Don Ho song
Ten Ding Ba------------- Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung---------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan---------- Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

--------------

Definitions that make sense...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.