Kids

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved. The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior.

Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually, and saw the 8-year-old first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed that little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The little seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor Jamison, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, Son, it's a Memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service,"

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked. "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

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Childs View of Retirement

This is from a teacher who asked her third grade pupils to write about how they spent their spring break holiday. One child wrote:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. Theyused to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: 'Early Birds'.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So, the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the SundaySchool teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

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WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

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HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

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WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

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WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

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WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 6

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

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IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

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HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin,age 9

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HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

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QUESTIONS KIDS ASK

* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
* If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
* If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
* If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Baywatch'?
* If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
* If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
* If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
* If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's drunk."

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An elderly Rabbi is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the Rabbi moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the Rabbi smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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 Actual 6th Grade History Test Answers

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. This may be true!

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake Circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. This also has a logical ring of truth.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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One day, a 7-year old girl asked her mother,"Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother says "Sweetheart, there are some things you just don't ask a lady."

The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

The mother says, "Sweetheart, that's another one! It's just not polite to ask that," leaving the little girl frustrated.

Later that day, she tells the 10-year old neighbor girl about it, who smartly tells her, "That's easy. Just sneak into her purse when she's not looking, and look at her driver's license. It tells all kinds of stuff like that."

The next day, the girl tells her mother, "Mommy, I know how old you are... you're 42 years old!"

Shocked, she asks "Sweetheart, how did you know that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh... you weigh 165 pounds."

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "And just where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Really! Please tell me why!"

"'Cause you got an 'F' in sex."

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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

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True Stories ...

A father knelt with his two boys to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?

And the four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School.

She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."

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True Story

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

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First Grade True Story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Third Grade True Story

A little boy in the third grade told his teacher that his mother was having surgery that day. The teacher, concerned, asked what the surgery was for.

"Well, my sister and me must've been too big for her when we was born, 'cause now she's having her boobs tied."

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Children Write to God

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have?

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me.
-Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before - You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
-Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
-Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with  a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed,concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle "They're looking for me!"

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day, when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesaver candies and told the kids to close their eyes and taste each flavor. The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, they were all stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "it's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick, spit 'em out - they're assholes!"

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Kids Answers:

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

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These are answers to test questions accumulated by music teachers:

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

 Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composer do not live until they are dead.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he know how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is, but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I got found out and got in trouble.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.