O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaugnassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaugnassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaugnassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaugnassy's hat."
The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaugnassy's hat. What changed your mind?"
O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaugnassy's hat."
The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat, than burn in Hell, right?"
O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
When me nightly prayers were said
Who tucked me in my widdle bed
Who beat my ass til it was red
When the morning light had come
And in my bed I dribbled some
Who'd wipe me tiny widdle bum
Who'd take me from the cozy cot
And stick me on the ice cold pot
Who made me pee when I could not
Who combed me hair so neatly part
And press me gently to her heart
And some times squeeze me til I'd fart
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt" to the construction workers face.
The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to do anything again.
Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes, "pppphhhhbbbttttt!" to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.
The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt."
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: each time he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers instead of three and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Colleen O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Colleen, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Colleen. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Colleen. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Colleen. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Colleen. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Colleen... no."
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He asks, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest asks, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled, "Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied, "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did-Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"