Hell

A fellow dies and finds himself, thoroughly dejected, in Hell's waiting room. The Devil appears and asks him how he's doing.

"Terrible!" he says. "I'm in Hell!"

"Well, I suppose you've got a point there," the Devil replies. "But at least you get to choose your own form of eternal punishment, you know."

"I do?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact, you have three choices," the Devil says. "Let me show you. The first is the 'Classic' Hell."

The Devil leads the man to a big, heavy, counterweighted iron door, and pulls it open. A blast of unbearably hot air strikes the man in the face, and inside, he sees the floor entirely covered with glowing hot coals, and naked people, tied to rotisseries, being grilled alive, moaning in anguish.

"Oh my god!" the man backs away.

"Hey, watch the language, bub. But listen, don't feel bad, most souls down here didn't choose that one, either. It's not for everyone. Let me show you the next one."

The Devil opens another door, where naked people are trying to stand on their heads above a floor covered with razor blades, broken glass, upholstery tacks, and rock salt while cruel taskmasters horsewhip those who fall over until they get back on their heads. The Devil asks, "Well? Wha'da'ya think?"

The man stutters in horror," I, I, I... don't think... I... uh... you said I had three choices?"

With the finesse of a used car salesman, the Devil tells him about the third choice. "Absolutely! This last one really is everybody's favorite, including mine! We call it the Coffee Room. Let me tell you about it. Basically, everyone stands and drinks coffee!"

"... That's it? They drink coffee? That's the punishment?"

"Well, there is one little catch..." the Devil explains. "Everone is standing knee-deep in pig shit."

"... Pig shit? That's it? Well, gosh, I was raised on a pig farm! That ain't gonna bother me much!"

"Excellent choice, my friend!" the Devil pats him on the back. "Let's see your eternal punishment."

Inside the third door, there are, indeed, all kinds of people standing around drinking coffee, with fresh porcine excrement up to their knees. The people are quite friendly, and offer him a cup of coffee, which he accepts. "Hey, this ain't so bad!" he says with relief.

"Glad you like it!" the Devil responds, and then announces to the entire room:

"OKAY EVERYBODY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER. BACK ON YOUR HEADS..."

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A man dies and goes to Hell. He has his head in his hands and is crying in the reception area when Satan appears and asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"

He answers, "What do you think? I'm in Hell!"

Satan comforts him,"Hey, relax, man! Hell isn't so bad! Really!"

"Oh, yeah? Sulfur and brimstone, knashing of teeth..."

"Oh, no, no, no," Satan says. "They been saying that crap since the middle ages. It's incredible that people still believe that stuff."

"Yeah, right..." the man sobs.

"No! Really!" Satan explains, "Hell is the most fun place in the universe! We got the greatest, wildest partiers of all time down here!"

"I'm sure!" the man says sarcastically.

"Hey, listen, do you like to drink alcohol? Monday night is Drinking Night! We've got the best imported beer here; we have the finest vintage French wine and champagne, any kind of liquor you can think of! Russian vodka, Mexican tequila, Belgian cognac,12 year old Scotch, Kentucky bourbon, Canadian Whiskey, you name it! We drink until we puke and then drink some more. Everybody goes nuts! You see, you can't hurt yourself, 'cause you're already dead! It's great!"

Not buying it, the man replies, "I'll bet."

Satan continues, "Listen. Do you like to smoke?"

The man meets Satan's smile with a puzzled look.

"Tuesday night is Tobacco Night! We have every kind of cigarettes from all over the  world. Absolutely the finest blends of pipe tobacco. We've got your favorite snuff. You ever hear of those Cuban cigars 'hand rolled on the thighs of virgins?' We got'em, my friend! We smoke our brains out! What could happen? We're already dead!"

The man listens...

"I heard you say you like to bet? Wednesday night is Casino Night!. We got satellite TV carrying all the games, all the horse races. We got slot machines, poker, roulette, blackjack, craps, everything! We all go crazy! Hell pays out three times as good as Las Vagas! I mean, what are we gonna do? Go bankrupt? I don't think so!"

The man is feeling a little better.

Satan goes on,"I'm telling you man, Hell is one nonstop, outasite, to the max party! Do you dig drugs?"

"... Drugs ?"

"Thursday night is Drug Night! We got anything and everything your heart could possibly desire. Heroin, LSD, the best Colombian rock, crack, uppers, downers, Prozac, Viagra,  peyote buttons, magic mushrooms, Turkish hash, the finest pot from all over the world! Roll a doobie the size of a table leg, who cares? You can't OD, man, you're already DEAD! Every body parties their stinkin' brains out!"

The man's face brightens, "... hey, maybe Hell isn't so bad, after all..."

Satan beams, "That's what I'm trying to tell you! Hey, are you gay?"

"... uh... No! Why?"

Satan winces, "Oooh..." and then breaks into a hint of a smile. "You're not gonna like Fridays..."