Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Murphy's Technology Laws
Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends ... period.
Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Murphy's Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Murphy's Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
Murphy's Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.
Murphy's Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Murphy's Technology Law #15: We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
Murphy's Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Murphy's Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
An engineer dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says "Hi, there. Listen, my computer terminal is waiting for the update to download, so I might as well ask you who you are and what you did in life."
"Well, I was an engineer..."
But without allowing the man to continue, St. Peter cuts him off:"Oh, I heard about you! Listen, pal, did you think that drinking and driving a train full of innocent people would never catch up with you?"
"Forget it, pal. You go to Hell! RIGHT NOW!"
- and the engineer is standing before Satan at the Burning Gates of Hell.
"Uh, I think I'm at the wrong place, Mr. Satan, Sir..."
"I'll be the judge of that," said the Devil with a smile. "Okay, what did you do?"
"Well, I was an engineer, I..."
"Oh! You're the guy that wrecked that train and killed all those people!" said Satan.
"No!No!No!" the poor man pleaded. "I was a DESIGN engineer! I did a lot of good for a lot of people! Spent most of my life designing refrigeration, air conditioning, things like that... Something you could really use around here, in fact!"
"Air conditioning?" Old Scratch was interested.
"Sure!" the engineer went on. "Hey, give me a couple of days and some spare hardware, and I'll have this place fitted out with tthe best air conditioning you ever felt."
"AIR CONDITIONING?" Satan was very, very, interested!
"Why, give me a week and I'll have cold beer on tap."
"COLD BEER?" the Devil was ecstatic. "You're gonna do just fine here, Mr. Engineer. You're gonna be my right hand man!"
Soon, however, the Devil's phone rings. "Devil here. Got plenty of souls today, we're not buying."
"Very funny. This is GOD talking."
"Hey, Mr. G! How's it going! You get your little Y2K thing fixed up there?"
"Uh... yeah, sure. Listen, Satan - uh, it seems we made a little mistake up here, and we accidentally sent you the wrong engineer. I'd appreciate it if you sent him back right away."
But the Devil was smug. "Oh, gosh, Mr. Big. No can do! I'm happy to say we got exactly the people we want here."
God was getting peeved. "Now listen, Satan, I TOLD you that it was a mistake. You either send him up here right now OR ELSE."
"Or else WHAT?"
"OR ELSE I'M... I'M... GONNA SUE!"
Satan fell completely off his chair, laughing. Finally, he said, "And just where are you gonna find a LAWYER?"
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rode up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good call; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Q: What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A: A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.