Dogs

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
-Unknown

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"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-Unknown

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"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-Gene Hill

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"In dog years, I'm dead."
-Unknown

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"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-Aldous Huxley

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"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-Robert Benchley

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"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy

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"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-August Strindberg

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"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-Fran Lebowitz

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"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-Rita Rudner

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"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber?

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"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-Nora Ephron

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"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-Dave Barry

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"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
        -Dave Barry

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"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx

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"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler

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"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein

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"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

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"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-Dr. Tom Cat (?)

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"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-Ben Williams

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"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-Edward Abbey

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"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-Unknown

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"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-Unknown

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"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-Christopher Morley

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"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-Josh Billings

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"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-Holbrook Jackson

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"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-Andrew A. Rooney

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 "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-Unknown

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"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain

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"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-Smiley Blanton

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"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-John Steinbeck

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"There ain't nothin' in this world that's worth a solitary dime, 'cept old dogs, an' children, an' watermelon wine"
-Tom T. Hall - "Old Dogs and Children"

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A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa, and took his faithful pet dog along for company.

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies, and before long, he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

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On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

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HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting.  A cold nose in the crotch is effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

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Three dogs - a dalmation, a black lab, and a great dane - were sitting in cages at the local pound when one started a conversation. The great dane turned to the dalmation and said, "So why are you here?"

The dalmation replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything: the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The great dane asked, "So what are they going to do?"

"Put me to sleep, I guess," came the reply from the dalmation. "My owner's wife has really had it with me."

The great dane then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The black lab said, "Oh, I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. I just gotta dig, dig, dig, I can't stop. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch. His wife went really crazy."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the great dane inquired.

"Looks like the big needle and doggie dumpster for me, too," the dejected black lab said.

The dalmation then asked the great dane, "Why are you in here?"

"Well... I'm a humper," the great dane said. "Heck, I'll hump anything. I'll hump pillows, the table, fire hydrants, the cat, company, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. But just yesterday, my owner's wife had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and...  I just couldn't help myself! I hopped on her back and started humping and humping away! I couldn't stop 'til I was completely exhausted. "

The dalmation and black lab exchanged sad, knowing glances and one said, "So, they're putting you down, too, huh?"

The great dane said, "Uh, no... I'm here to get my nails clipped..."

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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb ?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining. The day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us. And you're inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one? Not only that, but I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: I can't reach the lamp! (...but if I sit up and look real pretty, maybe somebody'll give it to me to change!)

TOY POODLE: I'll just talk sweet to the Border Collie and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

ROTTWEILER: Go ahead! Make me!

SHIH-TZU: Puh-leeze, dahling. What are servants for?

LAB: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

BASSET HOUND: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.... uh... change a light bulb... naw... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero taco Bulb.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, right there.....

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

OLD ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

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A local business, looking for office help, put a"HELP WANTED" sign in the window: "Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led Him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager, and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. Each side would have five years to breed  the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would beentitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter to rebreed. After five years, the biggest meanest dog the world that had ever been seen had been bred. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a NINE foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the entire Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest eanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", one of the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

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As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill 3 wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

*POOF*

The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

*POOF:*

The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

*POOF*

There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered,

"I bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered ten years ago, aren't you?"

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A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street.

But instead of showing anger at the animal, the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement at this act of kindness, and says to the blind man, "Bless you, Sir! That's the kindest, most humane thing I've ever seen!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "Not really. I need to find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."