Computers

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. As you know, a Haiku has 5 syllables in
the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to
communicate
a timeless message. Here are some Haiku error messages from Japan:

1. The Web site you seek
Cannot be located.
Countless more exist.

2. Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

3. Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

4. Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

5. Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

6. Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

7. Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

8. A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

9. Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

10. You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

11. Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

12. Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

13. Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen, mind, both are blank.

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

House," in French, is feminine: "la maison." Pencil," in French, is masculine: "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers in incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and...

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired. However, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect Organization for "termination without cause." Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -- the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't"

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, okay we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"


"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f__king stupid to own a computer."

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Top Ten Reasons People Are Sad and Lonely Online ...

1. Chat-room sweetheart Crystal from Los Angeles is really Fred from Detroit.

2. Your Sims people won't get out of bed.

3. Emailing old classmates gave them another chance to reject you.

4. eBay obsession led to auctioning off your cat, husband, and kids.

5. Chat-room keeps ignoring "Wasssup!" greeting.

6. Net didn't take you anywhere near where you wanted to go today.

7. Who needs a girlfriend when you've got Lara Croft?

8. Hank Williams catalogue released on MP3.

9. Afraid to show your face in public because you've got only a 66-MHz Pentium and a 14.4k modem.

10. Beats being sad and lonely offline.

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The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

12) Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?

11) ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.

10) So -- what are you wearing?

9) Duuuuuude! Bummer!

8) Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

7) Press 1 for Support.Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

6) We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

5) I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

4) In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

3) Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!

2) Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

 ...and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

 1) Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.

---------------

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my grlfrined
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes,

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You were a field grade Officer

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you opened anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I here nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

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THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR COWORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes 3 years running

8. When asked for his phone number he gives it in hex

7. Seems strangely calm when the office LAN goes down

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work

5. Mumbled "Oh puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie 'The Net'

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments

3. Video dating profile lists 'public-key encryption' among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up you hear "Good Morning Mr. President!"

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."

-----------------

TOP SIXTEEN WAYS TO TELL A REDNECK IS WORKING AT A COMPUTER

16. The mouse is referred to as a critter

15. The keyboard is camouflaged

14. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

13. The numeric keypad only goes up to six

12. Winders 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it

11. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them

10. The printer goes real slow since Bubba don't read too fast

9. Extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them

8. Menus all have Budweiser and Old Milwaukee options

7. The monitor is up on blocks

6. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk

5. Deer jerky in the desk drawer

4. Screen saver is Ned Beatty playing Dueling Banjos

3. The six front keys have rotted out

2. John Deere pocket protectors

The Number One Way To Tell A Redneck Is Working At A Computer:

1. The password:  BUBBA

-----------------

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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"Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

(Picard) "Data, what do your scanners show?"

(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"

(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

(Picard) "Identify."

(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"

(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."

(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."

(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

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Translated from Latin scroll, dated 2BC

    Dear Cassius:

    Are you still working on the y zero k problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
    I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned ugly.
    We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
    The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind.....
    As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the east who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they are not expected to arrive until it is all over.
    I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
    Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition, Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted y zero k problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
    I you have any ideas, please let me know

    Plutonius

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~~~ MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING! ~~~

~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.

~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.

~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine

~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

~ When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

~ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.

~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!

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In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his, as yet, unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too.

The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return post.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month, he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account, it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company, who apologized for the computer error once again, and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game, and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him, asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company, claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post, they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.