FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they
> were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: "Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "The psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: " ... You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: " ... And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: " ... And you say you're all FBI agents there?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: " ... Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "We've collected a pool of cash."
Pizza Man: " ... And you're all FBI agents?"
Pizza Man: "With guns?"
Agent: "That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "No f--ckin' way."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the applications, resumes, and background checks were done, there were three finalists left: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions to the letter, and without question. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious... I could never shoot my wife!"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job," and the man was dismissed.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but... I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given similar instructions: to go into the next room and shoot her husband.
She took the gun and entered the room. Shots exploded, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a long minute, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks... I had to beat him to death with the chair!"