Cars

I had a dream last night, thought I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

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Comedian Tim Allen, after finally buying the Corvette he'd wanted all his life, is hearing his mother-in-law cutting him down for buying it:

"Men are so psychologically shallow. That car is just an extension of your penis."

Tim replies, "I wish!"

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Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Oldsmobile of sports cars

Acura Legend
I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX
I am impotent

Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating the hell out of people

Chevrolet Cavalier
I am a sex machine

Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette
I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ferrari Testarossa
I am known to prematurely ejaculate

Ford Fairmont
(See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the fall.

Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the fall.

Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.

Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lamborghini Countach
I only have one testicle

Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL
I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB
I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante
I like a zirconium much more than a diamond

Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel
I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Plymouth Prowler
I enjoy going to traffic school every month to keep my license

Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 911 Turbo
I have a three inch thingy

Porsche 944
I am dating big breasted women who otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce
I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit tool liberal

Saturn SC2
I'm positive Al Gore got more votes!

Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet

Volkswagen Cabriolet
I am out of the closet

Volkswagen Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife

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Oil Change Instructions For Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
    Money spent:
        $20.00 for oil change
        $1.00 for coffee
        Total = $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
    Money spent:
        $50.00 parts
        $25.00 beer
        $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to match!!!!)
        $1,000.00 Bail
        $200.00 Impound and towing fee
        $1,350.00 Total

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Used Car Buyers Guide: The Reality

MUST SELL ...before it blows up.

RUNS FINE ...I was going to say "runs excellent" but I
had a last-minute conscience attack.

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK ...was blind sided by a Winnebego.

WELL-MAINTAINED ...I changed the oil occasionally.

LOOKS LIKE NEW ...just don't try to drive it anywhere.

ALL ORIGINAL ...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

LOADED WITH OPTIONS ...each one more troublesome than the next.

NEVER SMOKED IN ...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

PROJECT CAR ...doesn't run.

LOTS OF POTENTIAL ...doesn't run.

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ...doesn't run.

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If Intel built cars:

1. They would travel at 450 m.p.h.

2. They would carry 128 passengers.

3. They would get 5,400 miles per gallon

4. They would crash three times per day.

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If AOL built cars:

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots' of pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

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HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

One hand on wheel, one finger, one arm, and entire head out window: NEW YORK

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: CALIFORNIA.

With gun in lap: L.A.

One hand on the wheel, middle finger out window, screaming at metermaid: SAN FRANCISCO

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA.

One hand on wheel, one hand on intern, both feet braced on floor: WASHINGTON D.C.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: SEATTLE

One hand on wheel, one hand on can of Shiner Bock, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: TEXAS CITY MALE

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window holding hunting rifle, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: TEXAS COUNTRY MALE

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: TEXAS FEMALE

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, sister/wife in passenger seat: WEST VIRGINIA

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the far left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA