Bars

A skeleton walks into a bar and says: "I'll have a beer... and a mop."

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Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but

don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve

food in here."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please and one for the road."

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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I have not seen anyone explain this as well as the all mighty wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:

"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

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New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!



Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

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A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!" His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."


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As you may know, I've been practicing a certain Eastern discipline for some years now, in an effort to attain true enlightenment. It's called Yoga...

No, no, that's not it... Vodka! That's it.

-Craig Kilborn

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A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke ?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.


Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.


"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

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A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

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Three old timers were drinking in a bar and swapping stories.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that  would have indeed been exciting.


The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.


The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down..." He paused.


The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"


The undertaker answered, "I was in the wrong room!"

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Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic, because she saw his pickup truck constantly parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.


Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

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A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.


"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."


The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.


The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.


The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."


"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.


So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.


"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
 

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.


He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock at that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"


"But the guy was drunk!" says the husband.


"It doesn't matter!" says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."


So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"


He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!"


Being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?"


And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing..."

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Norm Peterson quotes (from "Cheers"):

        "What's shaking Norm?"
        "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

        "What's new Normie?"
        "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

        "What'd you like Normie?"
        "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

        "What'll you have Normie?"
        "Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
        "Looks like beer, Norm."
        "Call me Mister Lucky."

        "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
        "Like a baby treats a diaper."

        "What's the story Mr.Peterson?"
        "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

        "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
        "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

        "Beer, Norm?"
        "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

        "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
        "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

        "Whatcha up to Norm?"
        "My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall."

        "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
        "Poor."
        "I'm sorry to hear that."
        "No, I mean pour."

        "How's life treating you Norm?"
        "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

        "Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

        "What's going down, Normie?"
        "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

        "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
        "All right, but stop me at one ... make that one-thirty."

        "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
        "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

        "What's the story Norm?"
        "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

        "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
        "The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

        "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
        "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
        "For a beer?"
        "No, for stupid questions."

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During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."


The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar.


Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender.


"I'm a professional gambler", replied the man.


The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?."


"Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.


"Like what?" asked the bartender.


"Well, for example, I'll bet you $5 that I can bite my right eye."


The bartender thought about it. "OK."


So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.


"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $5.


"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $5 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger.


The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet."


So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.


"Aw, you screwed me again."


"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $5", said the man.


With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $50 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."


The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on."


The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.


The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $50!"


The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $100 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-by Jack Handy

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

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The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats

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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway

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Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose Bierce

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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
-Anonymous

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Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
- Ross Levy

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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-W.C. Fields

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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-W.C. Fields

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny Youngman

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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa

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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-Tom Waits

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24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

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When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke

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You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa

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Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill

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Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

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If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-Jack Handy

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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry

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The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-Humphrey Bogart

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Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
-David Moulton

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Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Wilhelm

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I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
-Homer Simpson

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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry

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All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson

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Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-Oscar Wilde

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You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin

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Here's to living single, seeing double and sleeping triple!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

My drinking team has a soccer problem.

You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor.

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."

There's too much blood in my alchohol system

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.

Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine

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         A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
        "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
        "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
        "Yeah, my first blowjob."
        "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
        "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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      A man who is very drunk walks into a bar and asks to use the bathroom. The bartender
tells him to go straight down the hall and that he can't miss it. He follows the bartender's
directions and comes to a stop at a golden toilet.
      "Wow!" he exclaims while taking a huge dump in the toilet. "This has got to be the best
toilet in the world!"
      Afterwards, he goes home and sleeps off the alcohol.
      The next morning, he calls one of his friends. His friend doesn't believe that he used a
golden toilet, so he offers to take him to the bar and show it to him personally. The man
and his friend get there, only to find that the golden toilet is missing.
      The man asks the bartender, "What happened to the golden toilet?"
      "What golden toilet?" replies the bartender.
      "The one that was here last night." says the man. "I took a dump in it - I know it's here."
      The bartender smiles and yells across the bar to a very muscular man, "Hey Larry!
I think I found the guy who shit in your tuba!!"

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Beer Prayer

 Our lager,
 Which art in barrels,
 Hallowed be thy drink.
 Thy will be drunk,
 (I will be drunk),
 At home as in the tavern.
 Give us this day our foamy head,
 And forgive us our spillages,
 As we forgive those who spill against us.
 And lead us not to incarceration,
 But deliver us from hangovers.
 For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
 Forever and ever, Barmen.

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         A guy walks into a bar carrying a small monkey. As he sits down, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts running around, eating everything in sight. He eats the bar peanuts, he gobbles the fruit garnish, he chows down the pretzels, everything. Finally, he jumps onto the pool table and swallows a cue ball whole.
        The bartender is a little more than pissed, and complains to the monkey's owner, "Did you see what that little bugger just did?"
        The man answers, "Yeah, he's a right little shit, he is, eating everything in sight like he does. I can't control him, but don't worry, I'll pay for everything he's eaten."
        The man settles up with the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves.
        Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar, still carrying the monkey. This time the monkey jumps to the bar, grabs a marischino cherry, stuffs it up his ass, pulls it out and finally eats it.
        The bartender is quite shocked. "That's disgusting. Did you see what your monkey did this time?" he asks.
        The man answers, "Yeah, he still eats everything in sight, all right. But ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures it first!"

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        A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud , blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream revererates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
        "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
        "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
        With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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       It's the late 17th century, and a young man walks into a pub on the Eastern Seaboard, and orders a rum. Looking down the bar, he sees a huge man with a large beard, wearing a dirty but ornate coat, a tricorn hat, and a patch over one eye. He further notices that he has a wooden leg and a hook for a hand.
         Noticing the attention, the figure barks at the young man, "And what ye be lookin' at, ye scurvy dog?"
         The young man replies nervously, "Oh, nothing, Sir! Uh... would you be the one they call... Blackbeard?"
         "Aye, matey! That would indeed be me! Are ye needing any more education on the matter?"
         Politely, the young man says, "Why, no, Sir! I've heard about and been fascinated by the tales of your exploits! But... if you don't mind, might I ask how it was you lost your leg?"
         "I lost it to a British cannonball, I did! A lucky shot, but I still got away! I found the same British captain six months later, took his ship, and keelhauled the bastard!"
         "Amazing!" the young man smiles. "And... if it isn't too much to ask... might I ask how you lost your hand, Sir?"
         "Aye! I lost it to the cutlass of a lucky Spaniard while taking his ship and a king's ransom of treasure! I'll tell you, though, young whelp, that was the end of his luck, to be sure! I fed him to the sharks, one limb at a time!" the pirate said with an evil grin. "Anything else for your information?"
         "Well... Sir... I was also curious as to how you lost your eye."
         Gesturing as if with a sextant, the pirate goes on, "I was shooting the sun off the coast of Jamaica one day, I was, when I chanced to look up, and a seagull shit right in my eye, he did!"
         Puzzled, the young man pauses and sheepishly asks, "And you... LOST the eye?"
         "... Well, you see, I'd only had the hook a couple a' days... "

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    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
    The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker: "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive"
    The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by ever branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

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  Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
    Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
    So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
    The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"
    The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."
    Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the bar-room floor.
    "My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"
    "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

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  Three guys talking in a pub: Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turn to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
    The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
    The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
    The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

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    Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
    The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar,turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
    The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
     The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

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         A Bad Ass Bear goes into a bar, approaches the bartender, and says "I'm a Bad Ass Bear. I'd like a beer."
         The bartender replies, "we don't serve Bad Ass Bears beer in this bar."
         The Bad Ass Bear says, "I don't think you understand. I really AM a Bad Ass Bear, and I want a beer."
         The bartender repeats, "we don't serve Bad Ass Bears beer in this bar."
         The Bad Ass Bear gets annoyed. With his fur starting to stand on end, he says, "I'll tell you one last time. I REALLY AM a BAD ASS BEAR, and I want a BEER."
         The bartender sighs and repeats, "we don't serve Bad Ass Bears beer in this bar."
         The Bad Ass Bear's eyes narrow at the bartender, then he looks down to the end of the bar, where a middle-aged woman with too much makeup is nursing a cocktail. The Bad Ass Bear ambles over, knocks her off her stool, takes a huge bite out of her midsection, killing her instantly, then flings the entrails up in the air and sucks them down with a loud "SSLURRP."
        The Bad Ass Bear returns to the bartender, and says with a steely glare, "I told you. I truly am one bonifide Bad Ass Bear. Now GIMME A BEER."
        Unbelieveably, the bartender, polishing a glass, calmly says, "... we don't serve Bad Ass Bears beer in this bar, especially when they're obviously on drugs.'
         The Bad Ass Bear's mind is blown. "What? Drugs? What are you talking about?"
         The bartender replies, "that IS the bar bitch you ate."

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         A rather smallish man goes into a bar, sits at a stool, and orders a drink. While paying for it, he notices a large glass jar full of $20 bills. He asks the bartender, "What's with the jar of money?"
         "Oh," the bartender explains, "You see, the owner of this place has a little challenge going. If you succeed with the challenge, the money's yours. I gotta tell you though, it's really hard. Nobody's ever won it."
         Curious, the customer asks, "What kind of a challenge?"
         "Well,  the challenge has three parts. First part is, you gotta knock out our bouncer!'
         The man looks down the bar, where an huge guy, looking like he was carved out of a rock and weighing probably 300 pounds, nods and grins back.
         The customer smiles and returns his attention to the bartender, "Oh, that's pretty good! What else is there to this challenge?"
         The bartender goes on, "Well, the second part is, the owner's got this dog locked up in the back room, that's meaner than hell normally, but right now, the dog has a really badly infected tooth, and it's made the dog unbelievably crazy mean. The vet won't go near him. Second part is, you gotta pull the tooth!"
         The customer laughs, "Wow! That's great! What's the third part?"
         The bartender smiles, "Oh, that's the best part! You see, the owner's mother-in-law, double butt-ugly, who I think weighs more than the bouncer and hasn’t taken a bath since her 90th birthday three years ago, and they say she's even meaner than the dog... well, she lives upstairs."
         "... Yeah?"
         Well, the third part is, well... see, she ain't... HAD any in a long time... So..."
         "... You're kidding!"
         "Nope. Part three is, you gotta... make her happy, IF you know what I mean... "
         The customer nearly sprays a mouthful of his drink on the floor, laughing. "Oh, wow! That’s pretty good, yessir! That's pretty damn good!'
         The bartender pauses, and (not seriously) asks the man, 'What'ya think? Wanna go for it?"
         The customer breaks out laughing again, "No, I, ah... I really don't think so! Maybe next time!"
         The bartender smiles and moves down the bar, and the customer returns his attention to his drink, chuckling.
         A few hours pass. The customer has had more than his share of drinks and is staring more and more at the big jar of money. Just when the bartender is thinking of cutting the guy off, the man announces, "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!" and starts fumbling in his pants pocket for a $20 bill.
         The bartender, looking a bit concerned, says, "Do what?"
         Red-eyed and obviously drunk, the customer says, "The challenge! I wanna do da' challenge!"
         The bartender smiles and says, "I don't think so, pal. You've had enough excitement for one night. I think it's time you went home."
         But the man is getting belligerent. "Hey! I'm gonna do it, and you're not gonna stop me!" The bouncer sees this and starts walking over.
         The bartender tries to calm the man down, "Not tonight, pal. Trust me, you'll thank me later."
         The man gets angry, 'Hey! My money's jus' as good as anybody ellsess! I'm gonna do... " and as he rises on his stool to get his money out of his pocket, he loses his balance, falls over backward, and accidentally head-butts the bouncer, laying the huge guy out cold!
         Stumbling to his feet, the drunken customer turns around, sees the bouncer lying there, and starts yelling, " I did it! I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! I knocked 'm out!"
         The bartender argues, "Now wait a minute, buddy! You know damn well that that isn't what I meant by knocking out the bouncer! You fell off your stool and hit him with your head! That doesn't count!"
         But the man won't listen, "I did it! I knocked out the bouncer! I knocked out the bouncer! You gotta lemme do step two! You gotta let me do the dog thing! You gotta lemme do the dog!"
         About this time, the bouncer has come to, and is rising to his feet. With steam rolling out of his ears, he comes up behind the man, grabs him by the collar, and says to the bartender through clenched teeth, "Let... him... do... the... dog!"
         Against his better judgement, but not wishing to anger the bouncer any further, the bartender pauses... but gives in. "... Okay... let him do the dog."
         With evil clearly showing on his face, the bouncer easily drags the drunken man to a door in back, carefully turns the doorhandle, and in a split second, throws the man in and slams the door shut.
         All the other customers are in shock as the sound of breaking glass, snarling, smashing furniture, screams, howls, everything, comes from the back of the building for two long minutes, then finally dies down to an eerie silence.
        You could hear a pin drop in the bar. The bartender and bouncer, both white faced and in a cold sweat over what they've just allowed to happen, don't know what to do.
         Suddenly, the drunk comes bursting out of the back room, bloody, his clothes ripped to shreds, yelling, " I DID IT! I DID IT, I DID IT!... NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD BROAD WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"