maturity - (probably George Carlin)
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed u p than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
THE CLASS OF 2005
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably
did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was
introduced when they were 1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the
"Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and
the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct
answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other 20
old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.
"My father desperately needs a hearing aid, but he's waiting until my mother dies." -Rita Rudner
"As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Hereare just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to.)
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 50 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity."-Andy Rooney
Benefits of Growing Older ......
* You can eat dinner at 4:00
* Your investment in health insurance finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* You can live without sex but not without glasses.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
Old Age Is Not For Sissies
Been there, done that ... got a closet full of T-shirts to prove it.
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers ... not me ... I want people to know why I look like this. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were not paved.
Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!
Spring is here and so am I, but at my age I wonder why. If nature can be born anew, why can't I be recycled, too?
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or starts to leak.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
The golden years are really the metallic years ... gold in the teeth, silver in the hair and (most of all) lead in the pants.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
Within I do not find wrinkles and used heart, but unspent youth.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It's more often a succession of jerks.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when your former classmates are so gray, wrinkled, and bald that they don't recognize you.
Young men want to be faithful and are not. Old men want to be faithless and cannot.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then you forget to pull your zipper down
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It!
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing . Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm-pit and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open!"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied,"Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts.He told her that he couldn't help it.She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it.He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Hours later, she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.
He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you!"
"What do you mean?" asked his wife
."Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today, it finally happened! But by the grace of God and these two fingers... I think I got'em all back in..."
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someoneelse loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
A couple who had been married for 50 years were sitting at the breakfast table one morning,when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants.
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing your pants!
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field.The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.
With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.
As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."
A crazy old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. When she passed in front of men, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "How about some super sex?"
She walked up to one elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "How about some super sex?"
He pondered for a moment and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now... what am I here after?"
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man: "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard-of-hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "What? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back "He needs your underwear!"
One day man went to the doctor's, and after his appointment, he had a question about his wife. He said he thought she was losing her hearing, and wanted to know what he should do.
The doctor said, "Go home and ask your wife what's for dinner from the third furthest room from the kitchen. If she doesn't answer, go the second furthest room and ask her again. If she doesn't answer, go to the room closest to the kitchen. If she still doesn't answer, then go right into the kitchen, and ask what's for dinner."
So he went home, and sure enough, his wife was in the kitchen preparing dinner. He went to the furthest room and asked her, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. He went to the second room and asked, Dear what are we having for supper? "
No answer. He went into the room nearest the kitchen and said, "What are we having for dinner?"
Again no answer from his wife. So he went right up to her in the kitchen and asked again.
She shouted back, " I told you three times already! Chicken stew!"
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function's. One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others."I don't wake up until nine."
78-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Signs you are no longer a kid . . . .
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to some one's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You,' and I holler back, 'Screw You too.'"
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest. They accepted that as proof, and gave him his first check.
He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened.
She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!"
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Age is a Funny Thing
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm 4 and half."You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony - you BECOME 21. YES!!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed?You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40... stay over there, it's all slipping away...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50... my dreams are gone...You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60... Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards: "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: "I'm 100 and a half!!"
Age is a funny thing.
HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLD
*Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
*The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
*You feel like you were out all night but haven't been anywhere.
*You get winded playing cards.
*Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
*You join a health club and don't have the strength to go.
*A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
*You look forward to a dull evening.
*You need glasses to find your glasses.
*You get your hearing aid mixed up with the suppository.
*You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
*You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
*Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
*Your back goes out more than you do.
*You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.
*You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
God, grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Some good phrases to remember:
1. I STARTED out with nothing... I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12. It was all so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
24. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that).
25. Lead me not into temptation. (I can find the way myself.)
26. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
27. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
28. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
They've combined Viagra with Doan's Pills. The combination insures that your back doesn't peter out and your peter doesn't back out.
This 90-year-old man and this 19-year-old oversexed thing fell and love and were talking marriage. He tells her that at his age, he cannot satisfy her sexually. She tells him that with all the new medical technology, they're bound to have something that would help him. So they go to the urologist's.
He tells the old man that there are all KINDS of new things out; implants, transplants, you name it. "The latest thing we have is tissue from a baby elephant's trunk," the doctor says. "It has been implanted with a 100% success rate." So the man opts for that kind of implant.
A few weeks after the surgery, the young lady tells the old man that her parents want him over for supper, for an initial meeting with him before the marriage. They all sit down to a nice meal. The young lady, feeling kinda amorous, reaches her hand over and touches the old man on the leg. He starts to get aroused. She starts rubbing his crotch, and he starts to get a tremendous erection. She unzips his pants to let his monster out. She starts playing with it, and it grows. And it grows. It starts up the side of the dinner table, goes across the table to the potato bowl, grabs one, and ZIP! it's back under the table.
The young lady's mother sees this and says, "I don't BELIEVE what I saw! Can you do that again?"
The old man says, "I probably can, but I don't think I have room enough in my ass for another potato."
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house.
When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned how was it for you?
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"